I copied these words off the blackboard in my media literacy class the other day and then ended up spending over an hour thinking about them.

It’s a profound thought to have, sitting here and realizing that someday you will understand all of the crazy things that occur in your lifetime. I know I occasionally have these thoughts multiple times a day (but it’s a rarity). Usually I end up months, or even years down the road looking back on one event and realizing how it caused a chain reaction of other events to lead to where I am today.

1 Samuel 12:16 says:

Now therefore stand still and see this great thing that the Lord will do before your eyes.

There are so many things that I now realize had to happen in order for me to get where I am today. And I know that the things that are happening to me right now will someday make sense to me. But I want to have some sense of why my life is the way it is and why I have to experience the things that I have to experience. Sometimes it just doesn’t make sense to me, my life.

I look back on my past and I feel like I have so many regrets, and I can never convince myself that I have so much life left to live. I spend all my time caught up in the past never fully embracing the moment.

I started this post last week and I wrote that Bible verse down and I wish I could say that I do that, that I stop and see what God has done and what he will do but all I do is regret and dream and get stuck in the infinite possibilities of what could have been. I have yet to feel truly satisfied with where I am at, there’s always something that holds me back.

It’s hard admitting this to the internet, because I don’t even like admitting it to myself. I want to believe that I believe that God has a plan for me, but I don’t know if I do. I keep wishing my life away, thinking things will be better someday. I continually see what my past has done to get me where I am today, but I never think towards my future. It’s just a giant blank. I have these infinite “what ifs” about my past, but my future is empty.

I just listened to this song today. This honestly epitomizes what is going on in my brain right now.

I don’t know if life will ever make sense to me. But I truly wish I could be happy with who I am right now.

So, happy Sunday y’all.

I’ll talk to you on Tuesday.