I Hate the Holidays

If I can be honest, I hate the holidays. I hate being around family (especially extended family), I hate snow, I hate the stress that comes with Christmas shopping, and I hate how I feel compared to the way that other people do. The holidays have never been a cheerful time in my life, I think the only reason I enjoyed them is because it meant time off of school. This year is particularly hard because it brings up a lot of tough stuff.

I think that it’s easy for people to forget that while this might be the “most wonderful time of the year” for them, it’s really bad for other people. There are so many things that can play into that but having bad changes happen in your life and then seeing so much happiness everywhere else is incredibly draining. I would like to feel that joy too but unfortunately it’s just never been there.

Last year, I was in a really dark place and I had no intention of being here by this time this year. It’s very difficult to admit that I’m still here and I’m very much floundering in having to admit that I actually have to plan for a future.

Posting on this blog right now is going to be coming a lot more intermittently than I was planning on. I’m hoping to get up at least a post a week but school is a lot more time consuming than I expected it to be… As is work. I feel so stuck but I need to keep up with work and my bills so that I can try and move by next winter.

On a more positive note, last year I had put a lot of time and effort into opening a handmade business on Etsy. It was my heart and soul and while it’s still up, sales have been few and far between thanks to their (stupid) new policies. I’ve been tempted to open up a Shopify account under a new shop name and maybe try my hand at a few markets next summer (if I can manage to make any inventory). I picked up a crochet hook for the first time in months this weekend and I almost cried because it feels so good to make again. Being creative makes me so happy and I think I’ve spent too long trying to force myself to try and figure out other ways to be happy. I’m working on making presents for my family for Christmas and I’ve started to look into local farmers markets to try to apply for for next summer.

Hopefully I’ll be back to myself (or some version of myself that I think I should be) soon and in a better headspace than I’m in right now. It’s snowing outside right now and I’m quite sad at the fact that I’ve seen multiple countdowns to Christmas on Twitter this weekend. I really hope that being productive will help me forget about the bad times that are November and December.

I’ll talk to you guys soon with a review for Bunny by Mona Awad 🙂

Today I Am… Discouraged

I grew up always thinking that for one reason or another I wouldn’t live long enough to become an adult and have to make adult decisions. I’m pretty sure that’s why I never actually had a “dream job” or big aspirations or anything like that. I’m pretty sure I told my peers a different job every time they asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up… I had teachers in high school who tried to encourage me to pursue the things that I was good at (American Sign Language and photography/graphic design/art) but then I had other teachers/professors tell me that I would never be good enough to pursue those things. So I pursued none of those things.

My first year of college I changed my major six times before finally declaring communications as my official major. I ended up dropping out at the very beginning of my junior year thanks to a disgustingly messy breakup and an existential crisis that triggered a complete breakdown. When I started looking into going back to school, I realized that most schools didn’t offer a communications program that would be similar to what I had at my previous school so I had to change my major yet again. I finally decided upon English because I might as well just get a degree instead of nothing.

I’m not super interested in school. I haven’t been in years. If I’m being honest, the classes that I thrive in are math classes but I can’t picture myself doing any sort of career that utilizes math. I just like having concrete answers. Books have genuinely been the only constant in my life. They’re the one thing that I will always end up turning to. They are always an interest of mine. When I started working the job that I have right now it was out of desperation to pay my bills… And now I’m stuck here until I finish my degree. So I’m forcing myself to get through a degree that I’m really not that interested in, to hopefully get a better job that will allow me to pay off my debt so that maybe, just maybe, someday I will be able to retire or own a house.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ll probably start enjoying school more once I get more into major specific classes but also being an English major, I’m stuck doing all sorts of things that I don’t like doing… Like peer reviews. So I guess I’m just really discouraged to be in the spot that I am right now. I royally screwed up my life and I’m just constantly wishing that I was in a different spot than I am now. I saw all my peers graduating and moving away and just all over thriving this year and it makes me really sad to look at my life and see where I actually am. I just want to be happy and thriving and not barely making it paycheck to paycheck despite the fact that I don’t even have a rent or car payment.

I’m struggling to not constantly wish for things to be different. I wish that I had made different choices in my past and I wish that the future was more clear. I wish that I could see that everything will be worth it in the end. I’m an incredibly logical person and it’s difficult to be optimistic when there is so much wrong with not only my life but with the larger world.

Sigh… I don’t want to keep going on and on about this but I’m just really discouraged with where I’m at. I want to take a break and find motivation again but I can’t. Which makes things even worse. And now I’ve just got more work stuff to stress about so that’s fun……..

Sorry to be such a downer on a Friday. I’ve just been overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I have to do that is getting me nowhere. I’m just going to try and hold out hope that something good will happen to me and that the world doesn’t end before that has the opportunity to happen.

 

 

Mental Health is a Journey

It’s taken me all month to figure out what I wanted to say in this post. As you may or may not know, May is a Mental Health Awareness month… And as I used to be fairly open about on here, I struggle with mental health problems greatly. It’s not fun and I hate having to admit that I’m like this.

I’ve lost a lot because of my mental health and at this point I realize just how bad it is to truly tell people what you are going through. The stigma is insane and I honestly don’t think that it will ever go away, no matter how much people talk about it.

So this is me saying that I’m probably not going to talk about mental health on here anymore. Maybe very generally, or just in passing but I won’t be dedicating any posts to it, I won’t be discussing my diagnoses or anything like that. I just feel like I have been hurt more by my openness about my mental health than I have by anything else.

And you know what? Maybe I am playing into the whole stigmatization of mental health but until I see true change in people not judging or hurting people because of what is going on in their brains I will not be open with what is going on inside my own brain.

I’m just very tired of how horrible mental health care and treatment is and just how badly people act towards the mentally ill.

I hope that in going forward with this decision that you guys can understand where I’m coming from.

And remember that mental health is a journey for everyone. Not everyone is going to be at the same point that someone else is. Right now, my mental health journey is at a stop where I need to just do it by myself and not bring other people into it.

I feel almost cold blooded to talk like this… But I can’t help it. My mental health has brought nothing good into my life and I can’t imagine continuing being open about something that only destroys things. Do any of you feel this way? Do you think that in my doing this I’m playing into the stigmatization of mental health? Anyways, sorry for such a downer post! I promise I have happier stuff coming up.

And if any of you need someone to talk to, I’m happy to chat. Have a good rest of your day.

Currently…

Reading… My religion textbook. Attempting to work ahead because I have a few very busy weeks ahead of me before I get a break for spring break.

Listening… THE HAMILTON SOUNDTRACK. It’s amazing, just take my word for it, you won’t regret it. A musical about Alexander Hamilton, I may be a history geek but I think anyone could get to love the music, it’s so catchy!

Feeling… Tired yet wide awake. I’m writing this on Friday night in order to get some posts prepared so I can get back into the swing of blogging and I’ve had so much caffeine today but my soul is tired. I need some time to relax and not think about anything but that is a long ways off.

Drinking… Water. I’ve made it a goal of mine starting this week that I want to drink at least 64 oz. of water every single day. So far I’ve done it every day but today I fell behind. I still have another 32 ounces to go and it’s currently almost 8 pm. I’ll get it done, though, even if I have to chug a bunch of water before I go to sleep.

Eating… Not eating anything, but I’m tempted to make myself a bag of popcorn to snack on while I blog and do homework.

Watching… When I have a spare 20 minutes (hahahaha what a joke) I’ve been watching Fuller House. 

Thankful for… Technology and the ability to keep in touch with my best friend, boyfriend, and family even though I’m hundreds of miles away from them.

There’s a  little look into my life at the moment. Busy with school and consumed with coffee and papers and work. Trying to put in the effort to be more mindful. Drinking more water, taking vitamins every day, sleeping at least eight hours a night, and journaling on a regular basis.

I hope you all have a great day, I’ll talk to you next time.

Long Time No Blog

Hey everyone! Can’t believe I let myself neglect the blog for so long! I got so caught up in school that I haven’t posted anything in weeks! Definitely didn’t intend to let myself go this long without putting anything up here but I kept procrastinating and telling myself I would start posting again next week!

So I’m definitely going to get back into the swing of posting, I’m planning on prewriting quite a few posts just to have some things going up on my scheduled posting days even when I can’t actually take the time to write anything.

Right now I am currently sitting in the living room of my suite, working on my Deaf Culture midterm presentation and running through my to-do list for about the third time today. This is the first weekend in about a month that I have absolutely nothing planned going on so I fully intend to spend it getting ahead on all of my homework and catching up on all the blogging I have missed. (Who knows, maybe I’ll even be productive enough today that I can spend all day tomorrow reading!)

I hope you all have had a wonderful past few weeks and I can’t wait to get back into the swing of things.

Enjoy your weekend!