Today I Am… Stressed

So I know that I said a while back that I really didn’t want to talk about my mental health on here anymore but I need to talk about the struggles right now. I was having a really hard time coming up with an idea for a blog post today and I just realized that I am so overwhelmingly stressed out right now that I might as well make one of my “feelings” posts.

Right now, I am sitting in my bed with a pounding headache and trying really hard not to cry. I’m super nauseous and ready to crawl into a hole and completely give up.

It’s almost my favorite time of year, so why the horrible stress? Well thanks to my good ole PTSD, I can’t enjoy fall without being constantly stricken by trauma induced stress! Wow, isn’t mental health fun?? /s

I’m realizing now just how traumatic the beginning of the school year has become for me. August-October holds a lot of really bad memories for me and it’s hard to get through a whole day without ending up a complete mess because something triggered me.

Recently I’ve been learning just how badly smells can trigger things. But that’s a topic for a different breakdown…

I had a bunch of assignments due last night (I swear prewriting posts gets so weird because at the time of writing this as mentioned above I was sitting in bed finishing assignments but at the time of posting this I’ll be well into my shift at work) and I just got so overwhelmed that I had to completely bullshit my way through proposing research topics. It’s honestly one of the worst feelings ever right now to realize that I could end up failing this class already because it’s not what I expected it was going to be and unfortunately, it’s required for my degree so I can’t just drop it. My expectations are going down the drain because I’m not interested in the assignments, the idea of doing the work makes me ill, and I already want to drop out again.

I’m so far past burnt out that I think I’m going crazy. I won’t bore you with more of the symptoms that I’m dealing with in regards to my mental illnesses but let me just tell you, they’re not pretty.

And so with that I am going to go try and sleep to get rid of this pounding headache because I know that’s the only thing that will help.

And I will pretend to try and be positive and list five things that I am thankful for right now:

  • Makeup that stays on even when I spend all day crying
  • Cool breezes
  • Taylor Swift
  • Memes
  • The morning show that I listen to on the radio every day

Also if you’ve made it to the end of this post, genuinely thank you for reading my manic breakdown panic. Normally if I go to write a post like this, I type it all out and then immediately delete it. I’m kind of at a point where I’ve been told by everyone to just suck it up and deal with what I’m dealing with because no one wants to hear it? So that’s what I try to do… But it’s really hard to keep everything bottled up and not talk about things. I mean it would probably help if I actually had people to talk to. Yay for having no friends anymore. Anyways, hope you all enjoy your days. TTYL.

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Today I Feel… Lost

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I was scrambling for something to write about for today… I can’t help but wonder if I’m already feeling the burnout even though I’m still enjoying this renewed blogging adventure. I just have a lot of thoughts that are constantly racing through my mind and it’s really frustrating.

Ever since I can remember I’ve felt lost. Like I’m just wandering through life without any purpose or direction and lately I’ve been really feeling that in a stressful way. I’m currently working a dead-end job that I’m not enjoying, have no motivation to work on things that I enjoy because of said job and just can’t stop daydreaming about doing better things.

I want to move to London. I want to go back to school. I want to work in a museum. I want to paint. I want to take pictures. I want to sew. I want to crochet. I want to read. I want to write. I want to blog. I basically want to do anything but what I’m actually doing.

I work 40 hours a week in a schedule that leaves me so tired most nights that I come home from work and just sit there scrolling through my phone with no motivation to do anything. And in reality it’s been like that for about two years now. Ever since I dropped out of school I’ve really stopped doing things that I’ve enjoyed. I think if you look at my post history you can really see that. I dropped off the face of the earth in 2017 and completely lost my direction.

I feel like I’m drowning in bad decisions and stupid dreams. And when I talk to people about where I’m at in life I get told one of two things almost every single time. The first being that I’m “young” and that I have plenty of time to get things figured out and the second is that I should just go back to school and that’s that. Both of these responses stress me out to no end. Trust me, I’m trying to go back to school and I’m trying to believe that I’m young enough to still be able to conquer the world someday. But in reality, I don’t think that I will ever be able to be as successful as I want to be. And maybe that’s just the pessimist in me but that’s all that I can think. Most parts of me feel like I’ve been destined from the start to work dead-end jobs just working to pay off perpetual debt and all my hopes and dreams are just those. Nothing feels attainable anymore and I think that’s why I feel so incredibly lost.

So I’m going to try and keep writing this blog and pretending that it will be successful. And maybe I’ll start painting again. And I’ll keep researching schools to apply to and maybe even work on finding a place I would enjoy spending my time outside of work. There’s not really much else to say. Life is scary right now and I wish more than anything that there was a clear path as to what I needed to do but there isn’t and I guess I just need to suck it up.

If you’ve stuck around reading this depressing post until now, thank you. I hope my word vomit was interesting or relatable or something.

I hope you all have a great weekend. I’ll talk to you on Monday.