Today I Am… Stressed

So I know that I said a while back that I really didn’t want to talk about my mental health on here anymore but I need to talk about the struggles right now. I was having a really hard time coming up with an idea for a blog post today and I just realized that I am so overwhelmingly stressed out right now that I might as well make one of my “feelings” posts.

Right now, I am sitting in my bed with a pounding headache and trying really hard not to cry. I’m super nauseous and ready to crawl into a hole and completely give up.

It’s almost my favorite time of year, so why the horrible stress? Well thanks to my good ole PTSD, I can’t enjoy fall without being constantly stricken by trauma induced stress! Wow, isn’t mental health fun?? /s

I’m realizing now just how traumatic the beginning of the school year has become for me. August-October holds a lot of really bad memories for me and it’s hard to get through a whole day without ending up a complete mess because something triggered me.

Recently I’ve been learning just how badly smells can trigger things. But that’s a topic for a different breakdown…

I had a bunch of assignments due last night (I swear prewriting posts gets so weird because at the time of writing this as mentioned above I was sitting in bed finishing assignments but at the time of posting this I’ll be well into my shift at work) and I just got so overwhelmed that I had to completely bullshit my way through proposing research topics. It’s honestly one of the worst feelings ever right now to realize that I could end up failing this class already because it’s not what I expected it was going to be and unfortunately, it’s required for my degree so I can’t just drop it. My expectations are going down the drain because I’m not interested in the assignments, the idea of doing the work makes me ill, and I already want to drop out again.

I’m so far past burnt out that I think I’m going crazy. I won’t bore you with more of the symptoms that I’m dealing with in regards to my mental illnesses but let me just tell you, they’re not pretty.

And so with that I am going to go try and sleep to get rid of this pounding headache because I know that’s the only thing that will help.

And I will pretend to try and be positive and list five things that I am thankful for right now:

  • Makeup that stays on even when I spend all day crying
  • Cool breezes
  • Taylor Swift
  • Memes
  • The morning show that I listen to on the radio every day

Also if you’ve made it to the end of this post, genuinely thank you for reading my manic breakdown panic. Normally if I go to write a post like this, I type it all out and then immediately delete it. I’m kind of at a point where I’ve been told by everyone to just suck it up and deal with what I’m dealing with because no one wants to hear it? So that’s what I try to do… But it’s really hard to keep everything bottled up and not talk about things. I mean it would probably help if I actually had people to talk to. Yay for having no friends anymore. Anyways, hope you all enjoy your days. TTYL.

Advertisements

Guilt and Burnout

So I decided to take a break.

And it wasn’t because this blog made me feel burnt out or stressed. In fact, I have so many post ideas for this blog that I’m a little overwhelmed! However, this blog doesn’t provide me with any income and because of that, I work full time outside of putting effort into this blog. And the longer that I work my full time job, the more I’m feeling burnt out on anything that actually brings me joy.

My acid reflux is back, to the point where I can’t even bend over when I wake up in the morning or I risk throwing up (sorry if that’s TMI). I’m also falling asleep before 8:30 almost every single night. Literally nothing is bringing me joy (like I got accepted into an online college program and I cried because I was scared over how I’m going to balance full time work and full time school instead of getting excited over finally going back to school). So I got burnt out and this blog took the brunt of that. And I felt guilty, so so guilty over taking a break because this was the last thing that I wanted to take a break with. If anything, I need a break from my full time job! But that will never happen…

It’s frustrating to feel guilty over needing a break. But I don’t know what else to do. I’ll be starting classes at the end of August and I know that school needs to be a priority, but I also really need the income that my full time job provides. I’m at a crossroads that looks like the only choice that works is to let myself continue to get burnt out and continue to be exhausted and sad all the time because I can’t prioritize my happiness. And I know that sounds awful but I have no idea what else to do.

I’ve been off this blog for almost two weeks and it would be so easy to just continue to not post. Like that would be so easy, but that’s not what I want to do. I just finished rereading The Opposite of Loneliness by Marina Keegan and was so inspired to start writing again but when everything else in my life piles up I just break.

I really miss when seeing my “path” was easy. I miss having simple choices and being inspired and joyful. It’s been a long time since then.

So anyways, to make a long story short. I’m back. (LOL how many times have you heard that line from me??) I’ve got a number of posts I’ll be working on this weekend, I’m planning on spending most of Saturday at the library since I have to register for classes too. I just really hope that something magically happens that makes every decision clear to me in the next few weeks.

Thanks for reading my drama. Happy Friday.

Today I Feel… Lost

bw

I was scrambling for something to write about for today… I can’t help but wonder if I’m already feeling the burnout even though I’m still enjoying this renewed blogging adventure. I just have a lot of thoughts that are constantly racing through my mind and it’s really frustrating.

Ever since I can remember I’ve felt lost. Like I’m just wandering through life without any purpose or direction and lately I’ve been really feeling that in a stressful way. I’m currently working a dead-end job that I’m not enjoying, have no motivation to work on things that I enjoy because of said job and just can’t stop daydreaming about doing better things.

I want to move to London. I want to go back to school. I want to work in a museum. I want to paint. I want to take pictures. I want to sew. I want to crochet. I want to read. I want to write. I want to blog. I basically want to do anything but what I’m actually doing.

I work 40 hours a week in a schedule that leaves me so tired most nights that I come home from work and just sit there scrolling through my phone with no motivation to do anything. And in reality it’s been like that for about two years now. Ever since I dropped out of school I’ve really stopped doing things that I’ve enjoyed. I think if you look at my post history you can really see that. I dropped off the face of the earth in 2017 and completely lost my direction.

I feel like I’m drowning in bad decisions and stupid dreams. And when I talk to people about where I’m at in life I get told one of two things almost every single time. The first being that I’m “young” and that I have plenty of time to get things figured out and the second is that I should just go back to school and that’s that. Both of these responses stress me out to no end. Trust me, I’m trying to go back to school and I’m trying to believe that I’m young enough to still be able to conquer the world someday. But in reality, I don’t think that I will ever be able to be as successful as I want to be. And maybe that’s just the pessimist in me but that’s all that I can think. Most parts of me feel like I’ve been destined from the start to work dead-end jobs just working to pay off perpetual debt and all my hopes and dreams are just those. Nothing feels attainable anymore and I think that’s why I feel so incredibly lost.

So I’m going to try and keep writing this blog and pretending that it will be successful. And maybe I’ll start painting again. And I’ll keep researching schools to apply to and maybe even work on finding a place I would enjoy spending my time outside of work. There’s not really much else to say. Life is scary right now and I wish more than anything that there was a clear path as to what I needed to do but there isn’t and I guess I just need to suck it up.

If you’ve stuck around reading this depressing post until now, thank you. I hope my word vomit was interesting or relatable or something.

I hope you all have a great weekend. I’ll talk to you on Monday.

My Favorite Self Care Tips

I think self care is really important. Especially during the times when you’re experiencing a really low point in your mental health journey.

When you’re at your lowest, it’s hard to do anything sometimes other than lie in bed and stare at the walls. Despite these feelings, it’s extremely important to get out of bed and take care of yourself.

Before I get into my own favorite self care methods, here’s a video by Lucy and Rosianna, who are awesome, talking about self care.

(Also I wrote this before making Wednesday’s post so hahaha, enjoy another video).

So moving into my four favorite self care tips, tricks, and methods if you want to call them that.

1. Hydrate yourself

WaterAWASOE.jpg

Drink a glass of water, I love to drink a glass of ice water, or at least cold water of some sort in order to wake up a little and almost jolt me out of whatever funk I’m in at the moment. It’s definitely not a cure all but it helps immensely with motivation to then do other things.

2.Clean yourself up

Shower, brush your teeth, wash your face, put clean underwear and pajamas on or actually get dressed. Sometimes I’ll even put makeup on just because it’s something to distract me and I also love the process of applying it. It’s really important to prioritize personal hygiene when you’re feeling low. Leaving yourself dirty and feeling grimy can often make yourself feel worse than normal just because you do feel gross. It’s hard to actually care about yourself as a human being if you’re not feeling quite human.

I also think it’s important to have a cleanish space. I would change my bedding and pick up the biggest messes on my floor (probably all clothes). If you have a dishwasher, definitely put any dirty dishes in there and if you don’t, don’t feel like you have to wash them all right away however, getting that task done would be a big accomplishment. I know finishing a task always makes me feel better since it gives me less to do some other time, and I feel productive!

3.Eat something

noodlesawasoe

Eat something small and snacky if you’re not feeling up to cooking, or make yourself a nice meal and store the leftovers for the next few days. I personally like to bake when I’m sad. Sweets are kind of my weak spot. Right now I have a ton of extra peanut butter in my cupboard here at school (because I got a jar in my stocking for Christmas) and I definitely think I’m going to make some of the peanut butter balls from this post the next time I need something distracting and worthwhile to do.

I think it’s important to get your blood sugar up and some nutrients into your body. I know I can always tell a huge difference in my mood when I eat something. Carbs are my friend when it comes to being sad and I love pasta for meals. A smoothie is always good too. I tend to lean towards a chocolate protein smoothie with frozen bananas, chocolate protein powder, peanut butter, and almond milk when I’m sad. It tastes like ice cream and always makes me happier because it doesn’t come with the lovely stomachache that real ice cream gives me.

4.Do something you enjoy

crochetanddietcokeawasoe

Now when I say do something you enjoy, I mean do something that you absolutely can’t mess up no matter what that you actually like doing. Like reading, or watching YouTube, or for me I really enjoy to stress crochet. I find that it’s better not to do something that could possibly be messed up, you don’t want to end up getting angry with yourself or even more sad because you can’t do what you want to do. This is not the time to start a new hobby! That is definitely a task for a different day! And don’t try to deep clean anything either, if things do need to get cleaned, see my above cleaning category.

When I do stuff like this, this is when I like to also treat myself. Usually this means drinking a soda, sometimes even a Diet Coke (because honestly I never drink diet soda).

So, when you’re really feeling down and getting out of bed is almost impossible, I really encourage you all to form a simple routine that you follow when you need some structure the most. The four things in this post are pretty broad and there are so many different things that you can do to take care of yourself.

I hope you all have a great Friday.