Guilt and Burnout

So I decided to take a break.

And it wasn’t because this blog made me feel burnt out or stressed. In fact, I have so many post ideas for this blog that I’m a little overwhelmed! However, this blog doesn’t provide me with any income and because of that, I work full time outside of putting effort into this blog. And the longer that I work my full time job, the more I’m feeling burnt out on anything that actually brings me joy.

My acid reflux is back, to the point where I can’t even bend over when I wake up in the morning or I risk throwing up (sorry if that’s TMI). I’m also falling asleep before 8:30 almost every single night. Literally nothing is bringing me joy (like I got accepted into an online college program and I cried because I was scared over how I’m going to balance full time work and full time school instead of getting excited over finally going back to school). So I got burnt out and this blog took the brunt of that. And I felt guilty, so so guilty over taking a break because this was the last thing that I wanted to take a break with. If anything, I need a break from my full time job! But that will never happen…

It’s frustrating to feel guilty over needing a break. But I don’t know what else to do. I’ll be starting classes at the end of August and I know that school needs to be a priority, but I also really need the income that my full time job provides. I’m at a crossroads that looks like the only choice that works is to let myself continue to get burnt out and continue to be exhausted and sad all the time because I can’t prioritize my happiness. And I know that sounds awful but I have no idea what else to do.

I’ve been off this blog for almost two weeks and it would be so easy to just continue to not post. Like that would be so easy, but that’s not what I want to do. I just finished rereading The Opposite of Loneliness by Marina Keegan and was so inspired to start writing again but when everything else in my life piles up I just break.

I really miss when seeing my “path” was easy. I miss having simple choices and being inspired and joyful. It’s been a long time since then.

So anyways, to make a long story short. I’m back. (LOL how many times have you heard that line from me??) I’ve got a number of posts I’ll be working on this weekend, I’m planning on spending most of Saturday at the library since I have to register for classes too. I just really hope that something magically happens that makes every decision clear to me in the next few weeks.

Thanks for reading my drama. Happy Friday.

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Why I Hate the “College Student” Stereotype

I’m sure you’ve all seen these memes before:

lazycollegememeexample

The memes that treat college students like the dumbest, laziest, pettiest people on earth. These memes frustrate me a lot. I hate how the college student stereotype has evolved into such a negative thing.

College educated people used to be looked up upon as a higher class of society. To even be able to go to college was an amazing feat. Now, college is pretty open to most people and many students take advantage of it.

To me, college is an amazing privilege and I think that too many of us attending nowadays don’t take this seriously enough. There have been many days in the past year that I’ve considered dropping out just because I don’t feel like I’m putting my all into my education and I feel guilty about that! Like I’m spending thousands of dollars per semester to get some of the most important education of my life and yet I was so depressed that I could barely do any of my work.

Then, when I attended classes, there were people sitting there that were in the same situation as me grade wise and with hardly any work done but they are in that situation because of excessive partying or laziness. It just blows my mind that some people are willing to throw away this amazing opportunity in order to have a good time.

And that brings me to another point. Since when is college supposed to be the best years of your life?

For me, I am trying to make the most of the time I have at Saint Scholastica and now that I’ve gotten a lot of my mental health under control I can finally realize why people love college so much. There’s so much freedom and being able to spend time with your friends whenever you want is pretty amazing.

So I get that these memes do relate to people, I fully understand that there are people out there like that, I know for a fact that there’s at least one in every class for me. But at the same time, why do we have to stereotype college students in such a negative way. My friends and I are working our butts off, with activities and work every single day and upwards of 18 credits worth of work every single semester. We put our all into our education because we want to be successful and we want to prove that the college student stereotype is false. (At least I want to anyways).

College is more than parties or homework, though. It’s about finding out who you are in this big scary world but still having a buffer to fall back on if things get in your way. We can still change our paths, pretty frequently if you’re me! Or you can just sink into your original path and realize just how meant for you that truly is. There’s so much to learn about and I am so excited for everything I get to do before I graduate.

I hope that those of you who read this post come to appreciate college as much as I have and I hope that more people fight back at the college student stereotype and really show people that we’re more than lazy drunks.

Happy Wednesday everyone!

An Open Letter to my Media Literacy Professor

Dear Rob,

First off, I’d like to sum up your class in nine words. Thank you for scaring the shit out of me.

I really do mean that. I appreciated how thought provoking and downright terrifying this class was for me. I think the one thing that stuck out to me over the entire course were the words “if you’re not paranoid, you’re not paying attention.” This really struck a chord with me and opened my eyes to the way I think.

Today, I couldn’t help but wonder about what anxiety really is and why people have it. It obviously has something to do with the way our brains are wired but I almost wonder if it has anything to do with heightened sensitivities to the world around us. The more I think about it, the more I feel like my anxiety has more to do with the “big questions” than with the stupid rules I make myself. I feel like people with anxiety have a heightened sense of the world and a gut feeling that things don’t necessarily have to be what we’re told they are.

Going into this class, I never expected it to be the way it was. It was weird, and unnerving, and a strange way to start my day every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I learned so much more than I would have expected to considering when I told my roommates what we would talk about they thought you were crazy. I appreciated the strangeness though, I saw a lot of myself in the way you lectured, my friends could probably attest to that. It’s fun to get to talk about stuff that you’re excited about.

This class actually got me pretty motivated to do my own research, to actually learn more independently. I love learning, and I can’t wait to continue on with that for the rest of my life.

So with a final thought:

I think that a heightened sense of media literacy comes with being paranoid, and always questioning things. I think that it comes with the crazy talk and the conspiracy theories. There’s so much of the world that is unknown to us, so much of the universe that hasn’t been seen yet. There’s no way of knowing anything that goes on outside of our own bodies. I hate realizing it, but I have to. Our world is a lot bigger than I want it to be and there’s a lot about it that we don’t know about. We’ve been born into the middle of it and there’s no way out. We can just live.

Anyways, Rob, thank you for being such an awesome professor. Have a great day.

College Doesn’t Feel Like Home

windowawasoe

I’ve been struggling a lot this semester with things. I’m not going to talk outright about what I’ve been struggling with but it’s been difficult and has caused me to really think about where I am as a person and if it’s the right place for me to be.

When I was a kid, I always dreamed of going to college. I got so caught up in the stereotypes that we see in television, books, movies, that I always imagined my life to follow these same patterns. Then as my friends who were older than me began to graduate and leave for school I got even more excited and nervous about the future that lie ahead of me. Finally, it was my turn to go off to college.

I’m not going to bore you with the details of my first year of college but I’ll say this: by the time I moved out I left my dorm room with no friends, roommates who couldn’t care less about me (they literally didn’t even think I was still going to continue school this year), and the sense that this school would never quite feel like home to me.

I feel kind of lost this year. Like I don’t quite belong here but also that I have nowhere else to go. I like my classes, for the most part, and I like my job, but other than that I feel like I have no purpose here. Sometimes I wonder why I’m even getting an education except I know that I really have no other choices.

I’m still caught up in the stereotypes. Where you meet your best friends at school, you have fun, you experience things you never have before, you finally live your own life independently. This isn’t my reality, in fact it’s very far from it and I’m having a hard time accepting it.

Lately I’ve gotten better at being able to say that I don’t really need to be the stereotypical college student. I can survive just fine on my own, I know for a fact that I can thrive in solitude. It’s just hard knowing that people look down upon you for that.

I figure I’ll learn to like where I’m at. At least tolerate it long enough to get my degree and then get out of here. I have nothing holding me here, which I enjoy.

I’ve been hesitant to share my experiences at school because I feel like they stray so far from the norm. However, I think it’s a good idea to share. Why? Because I want to help other people understand that there isn’t one way to experience something. I don’t want the stereotypes to win in the end and make everyone try to act the same.

I hope you all enjoy this post and if any of you have had similar experiences, or want to share I’d love to hear about them.

I hope you all enjoy your weekend. I’m going to try and make a post every day for the next week or so and then ease my way back into twice a week posts as the semester comes to an end.

A Perfectionist’s Worst Nightmare

Two words: group projects.

I have never liked group projects. When I was a kid, I used to just refuse to participate (and by refuse to participate I mean I just didn’t talk or contribute creative ideas, I still ended up doing most of the work).

I thought that once I hit college then maybe I wouldn’t have to deal with group projects as often… But boy was I wrong. Here at CSS I think I’ve done more group work and discussions than I ever did in high school and I still despise them so, so much.

When I do work, I want everything to turn out perfectly. I nitpick things until every detail is just so. I strive to do the best I can and then some. In other words, I want perfection. Group projects throw this off completely. And trust me, I’ve heard all the excuses people make: “it helps you learn how to collaborate”, “it gives you better communications skills and helps you learn how to work with others”, “you get to know more people”, etc, etc. Well, I think this is all a big old lie.

Group projects do nothing for me, in fact, they make me like people less! It drives me crazy that people can just let things go and sacrifice a grade just because they want to be lazy. I always want to take control of the project and just do everything myself because I want everything to turn out to my standards.

Recently, I had a member of a group project tell me: “Oh, if it was a higher stakes assignment I would’ve put more effort into it but since it wasn’t I kind of just let it go.” This really confused me. I can’t put myself into the head of someone who is willing to not put effort into a presentation just because it isn’t worth a lot of points. I mean at the end of a term those few points can really add up to a lot! It could make or break a grade in some cases, I’ve seen it happen.

I like independence. I like being able to do my own work and create things that reflect my effort and my vision. I don’t enjoy being reliant upon others to get to the level that I want my presentations to be at. I don’t like group projects.

Well, now that I’ve effectively brought some angst to your day, I hope you have a great one.

Procrastination 


So I don’t know about you guys, but I have the hardest time when it comes to procrastination. I can be very motivated to do things but when it comes to tackling big projects (especially during the summer) I find myself making excuses at every turn. The past few summers I’ve had summer reading assignments for my English classes and this year was no different.

Summer Reading Supplies

My goal this upcoming school year is to stop procrastinating. It’s definitely a big goal for me but I feel like with more time to work on things and less work I should be able to tackle what I need to on a day to day basis.

Here are some reasons to stop procrastinating:

1. You’ll have more time once you’re done to be able to do things that you want to do instead of working on all the work you’ve put off.

2. There’s a sense of accomplishment to having done all you have to do on time, or even earlier than you need it to
be done.

3. Once you’ve gotten into the habit of getting your work done on time you’ll be more productive and actually get your work done on a regular basis.

Summer Reading

If you’re like me, then these probably won’t be all the motivation you need in order to stop procrastinating. These are some things that I’ve been doing to try and make better habits:

1. I avoid rewarding myself with time on the internet. If I do, I’ll play one level of Candy Crush, or watch a YouTube video but I don’t check social media.I find that if I let myself go on social media I spend way too much time on it and don’t get any work done.

2. I do reward myself though, like I said I’ll play a level of Candy Crush, or watch a YouTube video during a break but I also reward myself with other things too. Usually for when I’m done with all the tasks I figure out a “big” prize, sometimes I plan a relaxing night, order food for dinner, buy something I have on my wish list, something like that. For smaller rewards I usually make, or buy myself coffee or tea, spend time scrolling through social media, or watch a movie. It’s always great to have something to look forward to at the end of a long To-Do list.

2. I gather everything that I could need while working on my project and put it where I’ll be working. The only reason I let myself leave my workspace is if I have to go to the bathroom.

3. While I do try to leave my workspace as fewtimes as possible, I do give myself breaks. I try to work for at least half an hour at a time and then take a five to ten minute break. Breaks are really important because if you work for too long you will get burnt out.

4. Just do it. Make a list of everything you need to get done, prioritize them, alternating tasks that are hard and ones that are easy. Then sit down and get to work and don’t stop until you have everything done. Once you’re finished you will feel so much better about things and it will alleviate so much stress.Summer Reading Rewards

Do any of you have issues with procrastination? What are your favorite ways to keep yourself motivated?

Have a great day everyone!