Let’s Talk Tuesday: Romance Reading & Asexuality

Content warning: Just a heads up, this post does contain discussion about sexual abuse

Before I start the actual topic for the post I wanted to introduce a new series for the blog called Let’s Talk Tuesday. I figured it might be helpful to put all discussion type posts in one place and it would give me a specific day to get these published when I wrote them! And I just randomly picked Tuesday because I liked the way it sounded for my title but I also wanted to shout out another creator who posts on Tuesdays (other days too but I realized my posts might take on a similar nature to her Tuesday videos) and that would be Jess Owens. I have loved watching her Book CommuniTEA videos as well as all her other videos (her Switzerland travel vlog was great and her blindfolded book challenge she made with her husband had me cracking up). Now on to my actual post.

The topic for this post kind of fell into my lap one day and was made even more relevant after some Twitter bullshit from this past weekend. On that day, I was sad and wanted to reread something that would make me feel good and when I went to reread Neon Gods by Katee Robert it hit me that I find a lot of comfort in romance books. Not only that, but those romance books tend to be spicier ones. For example, for years I would always reread A Court of Mist and Fury when I was in the midst of depressive episodes and I also used it to get myself out of more than one reading slump.

I’m on the asexuality spectrum and I was surprised when I realized just how enjoyment I’ve gotten from reading spicy books and fanfiction. And considering I don’t have a great track record with my opinions on romances that often have less explicit scenes I spent some time thinking about it. Why do I find myself enjoying these more explicit books when I have next to no interest in sex? Well, 2 reasons really.

The first reason is that I find the relationships in these books to be a lot happier and I think comforting to read. When I read a more traditional romance I tend to find myself annoyed with the characters more often than not and I find many of the relationships to have an overall lack of chemistry. I know that my opinion tends to lean towards the unpopular side of things when it comes to a lot of these romances (Get a Life, Chloe Brown is one example of this) and for a long time it upset me that I wasn’t able to get the same enjoyment as others were out of those books. But when I’ve read some of these more angsty and kink filled books I found that the characters had more chemistry and even when the plots potentially get crazy, I would find the relationships to feel more realistic. They felt comfortable and the pairings made more sense to me. In the same way that I have often found fanfiction to be comforting to me these books make me cherish the Happily Ever Afters or the Happy For Nows. They give me butterflies and make me swoon and I cheer for every romantic advancement throughout the stories. I like reading about people falling in love but I need them to make sense together before I find any enjoyment in their stories.

The second reason I think that I have found so much enjoyment in spicy or erotic books is that I think sex is hilarious. Like there are days where I get uncomfortable reading about sex or feel grossed out and then I skim read or completely skip over those scenes but on other days I like to read and potentially giggle at these scenarios that can feel so outrageous to me. Just a small reason but it’s often enough to make my brain get pulled out of whatever hole I’ve found myself in on that occasion.

For a while I was actually tempted to just stop reading adult romance books completely because I wasn’t finding any enjoyment in them. I was frustrated with the stories I was picking up and I kept wondering why I was subjecting myself to reading sex scenes in these books when all they did was gross me out and add to my disappointment in the overall stories. I try to review all books as objectively as possible but sometimes I had to separate myself from these plots for weeks or even months before I could write up my thoughts. I’m still trying to work on this with my reviews, especially rant related ones.

Before I sign off I wanted to be honest and say that I almost deleted this post before I finally decided I could make myself publish it. I learned about asexuality when I was in high school from a text post on Tumblr. Looking back, without that random post ending up on my dashboard I think it would have been years before I ever got a bit of explanation about who I am. It’s a key piece to my identity and yet the validity of this piece of me is something that I dwell on way too frequently. Over the weekend, a person on Twitter made a response to someone hoping for more romances with asexual characters by essentially saying the asexuality was a way for white people to act oppressed and then went on to say that asexual people should be shot. Not only does this completely erase every single BIPOC ace it’s an opinion that adds to the stigma that there is something wrong with asexuality.

This belief is one that causes ace people a lot of pain and potentially even harm. Years ago, I dated a person who was well aware of my asexuality but held the belief that if I didn’t have sex with them, then that meant I didn’t love them. Now, at the time I leaned towards referring to myself as demisexual and because of that this person held that over my head. For much of that relationship I was fed the belief that I had to have sex to prove I loved this person and so I did it. I cared for them, so therefore I should want to have sex with them all the time. I chose to ignore my own identity and my own feelings about the situation because I assumed that this was how sex in a relationship was supposed to work and how it was always going to work. Y’all, this is why we need ace rep in books. Not only because it could potentially save someone else from what I had to go through, but also because ace people deserve to know that they are worthy of love. We deserve to know that we can be loved and cared for outside of a sexual relationship.

When I first learned about asexuality, I didn’t think of myself as broken, I simply thought “wow this finally explains why I view sex differently than my friends” but I know that a lot of people, before learning about asexuality do wonder if they are broken in some way. We deserve to have romance books with ace main characters or ace love interests. Books that don’t have sex in them are not the same as books about asexual people. Asexual people do have sex and can enjoy it as can they enjoy reading about it. But we also deserve to read romances about ace people who are sex repulsed because they exist too. And we deserve books about ace characters that aren’t romances and we deserve their sexuality to be explicitly discussed. Books without sex aren’t the same as books about asexual people. I’ll keep saying that as long as I have a platform to say it on. And I’ll yell about aromantics and how deserving they are of books where their sexuality is explicitly spoken about. They deserve books with platonic joy or personal joy. Being asexual isn’t some pin to allow me to say “I’m oppressed” but I do think a lot of our pain stays hidden. And I don’t want other people to hurt the way that I have hurt. I hid the way I felt in my relationship years ago from everyone I knew. I kept trying to tell myself “it’s just sex” because for so many people sex isn’t a big deal and it hurt to ignore a big part of my identity in ways I’m still trying to heal from. I don’t want young ace people to grow up thinking that they are broken or that they owe people anything. And that is why we need more books with ace rep.

Honestly, spicy books take me out of the world I’m in and help distract me from everything that may be going on in my life. I like reading about the relationships within them as well as all the other aspects that go into them. But that doesn’t take away the fact that I am asexual. Anyways, before I rant too much about gender and sexual identity I’m going to sign off for this post.

If you’re interested in connecting with me elsewhere you can find some places below, otherwise I will talk to you all in my next post!

Twitter: nihilisticactus

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