Stop Telling Me That I’m Young

Let me have my existential crisis in peace!! I’m serious though, please for the love of all that is holy stop telling me that, at 22, I am young and have so much life left to figure out that I can’t possibly be feeling the way that I’m feeling.

Do you not think that I understand that? I am fully aware that I’m supposed to have many years ahead of me but we’re not promised those years. And with the state of the world the way it is, how can we guarantee that the world will even survive long enough for me to see old age?

I’m aware that I can’t have it all right now, but it makes it hurt when people constantly tell me that I shouldn’t feel the way that I do because I’m only 22. It hurts even more when it comes from people only a few years older than I. No, I did not graduate and yes it’s okay to have not done that but at this point I’m unsure if I will ever be able to go back to school and that really hurts because I have such a strong desire to finally go back to school.

There are young people out there changing the world, working dream jobs, living fulfilling lives. I’m sitting here at 22 feeling like I have wasted every second of my life up until this point. And it exhausts me to be told otherwise!

Sometimes I just really want to be pessimistic and negative. There’s no reason to pretend to be positive and wonderful and loving life all the time, it paints a false sense of perfection in life and I find that really unfair. If you’re always painting yourself as positive then you start to find yourself never being able to share how you really feel and the thoughts that you actually have.

I also find it really unfair to have my experiences belittled and brushed aside by both people older than me and my peers. Not one person has the same experience as another. Like I was talking to someone the other day and while trying to be motivating about the fact that he was feeling trapped in his position I also empathized. I was brutally honest and I didn’t bullshit him. It’s not fair to try and convince someone that everything will be okay all the time someday because there will always be bad days. But I also do understand that sometimes you have to force positivity when you really don’t want to. So I commiserated but I also motivated, I was very analytical with it and honestly sometimes that’s all I can do. Emotions are stupid, so look at it analytically and then you can find some good in it.

I would just really appreciate it if people replaced the “someday’s” with truth and realism. Because life sucks right now and there’s no proof that there’s going to be a magical “someday” and it’s beyond frustrating to keep having that idea fed to me (not like I’ve ever believe it or anything).

But all in all, I understand that I am young. I understand that I have a lot of stuff left to experience. However, I also feel like in my 22 years that I have lived 10 lifetimes already and I’m just tired of people telling me that I’m living my life incorrectly by being negative about my timeline of living. There are always different paths to take, I get that, but dang!! Let me be frustrated that I’m not on the path that I want to be!! Let me have emotions!! I don’t want to be on the path 30 years down the road, I want to be on that path now and I’m allowed to be frustrated that life isn’t different right now because I fully acknowledge that I am the one that put myself onto this path. I’m allowed to be frustrated that I made stupid mistakes and I threw away many possibilities of different presents and futures. And I own up to that and no I don’t live in that negativity but if I can’t speak candidly about things without being told I’m incorrect or that I shouldn’t think like that then what’s the point?

This post kind of just turned into a massive rant but I think I got the point across. Basically everyone is at different points in life but that doesn’t give one person the right to tell another person that they should think differently about their life. If you are not personally living that life then you have no say in how someone else lives or thinks about their own life.

Anyways, rant over. Have a nice weekend everyone! (Sorry that I may have started off your weekend on an angry note with this post but I just needed to post it now!)

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Mental Health is a Journey

It’s taken me all month to figure out what I wanted to say in this post. As you may or may not know, May is a Mental Health Awareness month… And as I used to be fairly open about on here, I struggle with mental health problems greatly. It’s not fun and I hate having to admit that I’m like this.

I’ve lost a lot because of my mental health and at this point I realize just how bad it is to truly tell people what you are going through. The stigma is insane and I honestly don’t think that it will ever go away, no matter how much people talk about it.

So this is me saying that I’m probably not going to talk about mental health on here anymore. Maybe very generally, or just in passing but I won’t be dedicating any posts to it, I won’t be discussing my diagnoses or anything like that. I just feel like I have been hurt more by my openness about my mental health than I have by anything else.

And you know what? Maybe I am playing into the whole stigmatization of mental health but until I see true change in people not judging or hurting people because of what is going on in their brains I will not be open with what is going on inside my own brain.

I’m just very tired of how horrible mental health care and treatment is and just how badly people act towards the mentally ill.

I hope that in going forward with this decision that you guys can understand where I’m coming from.

And remember that mental health is a journey for everyone. Not everyone is going to be at the same point that someone else is. Right now, my mental health journey is at a stop where I need to just do it by myself and not bring other people into it.

I feel almost cold blooded to talk like this… But I can’t help it. My mental health has brought nothing good into my life and I can’t imagine continuing being open about something that only destroys things. Do any of you feel this way? Do you think that in my doing this I’m playing into the stigmatization of mental health? Anyways, sorry for such a downer post! I promise I have happier stuff coming up.

And if any of you need someone to talk to, I’m happy to chat. Have a good rest of your day.