I Fear Boredom: Revisited

Back in April of 2017 I wrote a post about how one of my irrational fears was boredom and empty time. I decided that I wanted to talk about this again because two years later, this is still a really prevalent issue in my life.

In trying to get over this “fear” of boredom I spend countless hours doing meaningless things. Scrolling through social media and doing absolutely nothing. So even though I’m being “busy” I feel horrible about how I spend my days. I feel guilty about the amount of pointless content I consume and yet I can’t stop doing it.

In the past few months I have been trying to be more meaningful with my time. Making sure that I prioritize doing things like blogging and reading and going for walks. I started playing Pokemon Go again and obviously I started using this blog again. I’ve posted consistently and even started reading books again. But then a lot of nights I end up scrolling through Twitter and reading the same tweets seven times in a row because I can’t concentrate enough on what I’m doing to actually consume the media I’m trying to consume.

I know that a lot of this comes from my depression and it makes me hate my mental health problems even more. I feel guilty for not doing things but then I feel equally guilty for actually doing things. I haven’t watched any TV shows in months because I feel like it’s not worth my time to watch anything, so I end up just watching YouTube videos of Vine compilations because I’m so anxious I can’t watch anything else. And yet the list of media I want to consume just keeps getting longer and longer… And longer.

If I do actually do something, I feel guilty for doing it. Why go for a long walk and play Pokemon Go and enjoy the fresh air when there is laundry at home to be done? Why watch a new TV show when you could write a blog post? Why spend a day reading when you could do literally anything else? Why, why, why??? I even feel guilty picking out what book I want to read next because I want to have just read them all already. It feels nearly impossible to truly enjoy myself when doing anything because I always feel like nothing is truly worth my time.

To try and combat the way I feel about my time, I’m trying to just do things. I’ve basically stopped using social media except for Twitter. I’m going to try and watch The Haunting of Hill House sometime soon and Black Mirror season five was released this week so I’ll be watching those three episodes this weekend because even though I have issues with it, I’m obsessed. I’m trying to go to the library for a little bit every week to work on writing and just for browsing and people watching. I’m just picking whatever book I sorta want to read and then reading until I feel like switching to a new book or when I’ve finished that book I first chose.

The next thing I want to do is try to break the idea that I need to monetize my hobbies. I’m going to get back into painting and coloring because I need some color in my life and I’m going to refuse to let myself think I need to be doing something that will make me money. Too much of my life has to revolve around money and it makes me really sad.

Struggling with idleness is a really difficult thing to struggle with. Almost everything makes me anxious no matter if I’m doing something or not doing something. I really wish that it wasn’t like this but for now I’m stuck with it.

So I guess there’s my update on fearing boredom. I hope this wasn’t too depressing for your Friday read. Hope y’all have a good weekend.

Advertisements

Today I Feel… Lost

bw

I was scrambling for something to write about for today… I can’t help but wonder if I’m already feeling the burnout even though I’m still enjoying this renewed blogging adventure. I just have a lot of thoughts that are constantly racing through my mind and it’s really frustrating.

Ever since I can remember I’ve felt lost. Like I’m just wandering through life without any purpose or direction and lately I’ve been really feeling that in a stressful way. I’m currently working a dead-end job that I’m not enjoying, have no motivation to work on things that I enjoy because of said job and just can’t stop daydreaming about doing better things.

I want to move to London. I want to go back to school. I want to work in a museum. I want to paint. I want to take pictures. I want to sew. I want to crochet. I want to read. I want to write. I want to blog. I basically want to do anything but what I’m actually doing.

I work 40 hours a week in a schedule that leaves me so tired most nights that I come home from work and just sit there scrolling through my phone with no motivation to do anything. And in reality it’s been like that for about two years now. Ever since I dropped out of school I’ve really stopped doing things that I’ve enjoyed. I think if you look at my post history you can really see that. I dropped off the face of the earth in 2017 and completely lost my direction.

I feel like I’m drowning in bad decisions and stupid dreams. And when I talk to people about where I’m at in life I get told one of two things almost every single time. The first being that I’m “young” and that I have plenty of time to get things figured out and the second is that I should just go back to school and that’s that. Both of these responses stress me out to no end. Trust me, I’m trying to go back to school and I’m trying to believe that I’m young enough to still be able to conquer the world someday. But in reality, I don’t think that I will ever be able to be as successful as I want to be. And maybe that’s just the pessimist in me but that’s all that I can think. Most parts of me feel like I’ve been destined from the start to work dead-end jobs just working to pay off perpetual debt and all my hopes and dreams are just those. Nothing feels attainable anymore and I think that’s why I feel so incredibly lost.

So I’m going to try and keep writing this blog and pretending that it will be successful. And maybe I’ll start painting again. And I’ll keep researching schools to apply to and maybe even work on finding a place I would enjoy spending my time outside of work. There’s not really much else to say. Life is scary right now and I wish more than anything that there was a clear path as to what I needed to do but there isn’t and I guess I just need to suck it up.

If you’ve stuck around reading this depressing post until now, thank you. I hope my word vomit was interesting or relatable or something.

I hope you all have a great weekend. I’ll talk to you on Monday.