Author Adventures: Camp NaNoWriMo Week 2

I think I’m officially calling it that I’ve failed Camp NaNo yet again. I’ve been sitting at 12,413 words since last Tuesday, I think?

Anyways, I know that I didn’t want to talk about mental health on here anymore but I figured I might as well say that I’ve entered a really bad depressive episode and I just have no motivation to do anything. AKA: What’s the point in writing anything? (It’s not like you’ll ever get published) What’s the point in trying to be happy? (You’re just going to end up sad again) Why bother doing anything? (The world is horrible and we all die in the end anyways).

Sorry if that was really negative but that’s about all I’ve been thinking about. Like I even got to the point with these blog posts that I was writing them the day of trying to get them published before my normal scheduled publishing time. I just started feeling like everything I do is completely pointless and I wanted to give up. So with Camp, I did.

Usually I get a bit more creative when I’m depressed but more recently it just turns me into an unproductive crying mess. Like yesterday I spent hours watching Black Mirror and true crime documentaries and doing crossword puzzles. And then I forced myself to go to bed because I was sad that I hadn’t done anything productive all day.

Things are just going really poorly in my personal life and it’s hard to feel like anything is worth doing because I’m pretty sure I’ll never get out of the hole that I’ve been in for 2+ years.

So yeah, that’s basically what’s been going on. Here’s a really short excerpt from what I have written so far (I know it’s not great):

“I didn’t know what forever felt like until I met you. Forever was a tattoo, a bad decision, something that would ruin my life. I never knew that forever could be home. That forever could be family.” Alyssa turned towards the rest of us then, I can’t tell if she’s on the verge of sobbing or laughing. Her smile is radiating and Beth grabs onto her hand.

I sit back in my seat, thinking about the concept of forever. I don’t know what I think about forever, the evidence is all around me. Happily ever after runs rampant in my family. Beth and Alyssa are further proof of that. I think about my friends back in Minnesota. Of Carter, Adam, my roommates, and then of Austen. It never occurred to me before that maybe Austen could be a forever. That maybe I had finally met someone that could love me the way that my parents love each other, or the way that Beth and Alyssa love each other. I can’t help but wish that Austen was here with me now, thoughts now wandering to him driving me to the airport when I left for Washington for the wedding. 

He’s my best friend and maybe I love him. Maybe he’s the one I’ve wanted all along. 

Alrighty then, hope y’all have a decent week. Happy writing and all that jazz.

Author Adventures: Camp NaNoWriMo Update Week 1

Well everyone, I survived an entire week of Camp and I didn’t give up! I actually wrote something every day! Yay me!!

So as of right now, I am at a whopping 10,417 words. My progress has slowed down immensely since the beginning of the week and I am definitely starting to struggle. I never realized just how hard it would be to write the cheery parts of a love story when I have almost no good opinions about romance at the moment.

I also have spent a good portion of my days streaming shows. I started watching Letterkenny on Wednesday and have made it almost to season 6. And yesterday I started Stranger Things 3. What I feel like my brain is doing right now is the thing that it did back in September where literally all I did was watching Vine compilations for hours on end because it was the only thing that I could concentrate on. Like if I wasn’t staring at nothing, I was watching Vine compilations on Youtube. With watching all this TV I can feel my brain doing the same thing. It’s getting harder to come up with stuff to write and I also can barely read more than a page in a book at a time.

Yesterday I tried to be really productive by cleaning and doing laundry so that I could feel like I was doing something. In the end, though, I felt like I was incredibly unproductive because there were so many other things that I could have been doing too.

Anyways, back to the writing progress. My story has been interesting to write. I think that I have finally realized how nice it is to have an outline when writing but is that going to change the fact that I like to pants my stories? Nope! Once the story is completely finished though there will be a lot of things that I’ll have to go back and rewrite in order to make the story mesh into what I’m trying to make it become. But of course, that’s what editing is for!

Another thing that I’ve realized through writing is how terrified I feel about the possibility of being published someday. Like I know how I tear apart books and I see how other people tear apart books and I just really don’t want my book to be teared apart like that. I know that there will always be people that don’t like what I do but I just want my story to be liked by people. So I find myself questioning everything that I’ve written. I’m questioning the entire plot itself.

Since this is the first book that I’m ever going to finish writing I’m not sure it will ever be published. But if it ever gets to that point my fingers are crossed that it is something that I will be proud to share with people.

So with that, I’m going to try and get as much writing done today as I can. If you’re participating in NaNo I hope it’s going well and good luck with your writing this week!

Author Adventures: Camp NaNoWriMo

According to my Camp NaNoWriMo account, I have attempted this challenge (and failed) three other times. I feel like I must have a second profile floating out there though because I know I tried this before the April 2016 session but that’s the first project that I have listed on my profile. I vividly remember staying up until all hours of the night back in high school trying to research things for books and then giving up by the end of the first week.

Shockingly, one of the projects I did a few years ago actually made it to 20,000 words! I spent a lot of my time locked in my room writing that because I was in a really bad relationship and I was trying to keep my mind off of that. I would love to go back and work on that project in order to publish it but at the same time, I feel like a lot of my viewpoints from that time have definitely changed and I’m not sure if I want to attach my name to it. In case you’re wondering, it’s a really faith based self care book and I was really proud of it at the time but I feel like it isn’t the best thing I could write and I’m not sure that I didn’t just BS a bunch of it to get my word count up.

I’ve been messing around with a novel idea right now, one that I actually have a really solid story planned out in my mind (which honestly never happens). Usually when I come up with a new story, I think of the opening sentence and how it ends and almost nothing else in between which makes it really hard to try and keep up with writing the story. Years of honors and AP English classes have turned me off from outlines so much that I feel physically ill at the thought of trying to fill one out. Which really sucks because I know if I could actually outline a story it would probably go pretty smoothly with the rest of the writing!

So if you’re wondering, yes, I have decided to give Camp NaNoWriMo another try. I figure with reapplying for schools this summer I might not have the time to write in November so I might as well try it out now while I have some creative motivation. I’m not doing too hot mentally so maybe letting myself live in a fictional world for a little bit will do me some good!

Today is the first day and I’m going to try and get in some good writing both at work and after work. I’ve got an extra day off this week with the 4th of July so I’m hoping to get in a good amount of writing. Anyways, I think I’ll be posting Camp updates once a week, possibly on Sundays? But I’ll see what I end up doing!

Now to those of you who are reading this that are also participating; what are you writing about? And good luck to you! I really hope we can all get through this together! Happy writing 🙂