I Fear Boredom: Revisited

Back in April of 2017 I wrote a post about how one of my irrational fears was boredom and empty time. I decided that I wanted to talk about this again because two years later, this is still a really prevalent issue in my life.

In trying to get over this “fear” of boredom I spend countless hours doing meaningless things. Scrolling through social media and doing absolutely nothing. So even though I’m being “busy” I feel horrible about how I spend my days. I feel guilty about the amount of pointless content I consume and yet I can’t stop doing it.

In the past few months I have been trying to be more meaningful with my time. Making sure that I prioritize doing things like blogging and reading and going for walks. I started playing Pokemon Go again and obviously I started using this blog again. I’ve posted consistently and even started reading books again. But then a lot of nights I end up scrolling through Twitter and reading the same tweets seven times in a row because I can’t concentrate enough on what I’m doing to actually consume the media I’m trying to consume.

I know that a lot of this comes from my depression and it makes me hate my mental health problems even more. I feel guilty for not doing things but then I feel equally guilty for actually doing things. I haven’t watched any TV shows in months because I feel like it’s not worth my time to watch anything, so I end up just watching YouTube videos of Vine compilations because I’m so anxious I can’t watch anything else. And yet the list of media I want to consume just keeps getting longer and longer… And longer.

If I do actually do something, I feel guilty for doing it. Why go for a long walk and play Pokemon Go and enjoy the fresh air when there is laundry at home to be done? Why watch a new TV show when you could write a blog post? Why spend a day reading when you could do literally anything else? Why, why, why??? I even feel guilty picking out what book I want to read next because I want to have just read them all already. It feels nearly impossible to truly enjoy myself when doing anything because I always feel like nothing is truly worth my time.

To try and combat the way I feel about my time, I’m trying to just do things. I’ve basically stopped using social media except for Twitter. I’m going to try and watch The Haunting of Hill House sometime soon and Black Mirror season five was released this week so I’ll be watching those three episodes this weekend because even though I have issues with it, I’m obsessed. I’m trying to go to the library for a little bit every week to work on writing and just for browsing and people watching. I’m just picking whatever book I sorta want to read and then reading until I feel like switching to a new book or when I’ve finished that book I first chose.

The next thing I want to do is try to break the idea that I need to monetize my hobbies. I’m going to get back into painting and coloring because I need some color in my life and I’m going to refuse to let myself think I need to be doing something that will make me money. Too much of my life has to revolve around money and it makes me really sad.

Struggling with idleness is a really difficult thing to struggle with. Almost everything makes me anxious no matter if I’m doing something or not doing something. I really wish that it wasn’t like this but for now I’m stuck with it.

So I guess there’s my update on fearing boredom. I hope this wasn’t too depressing for your Friday read. Hope y’all have a good weekend.

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Hello World… 2.0

Dear World,

My name is Amelia, and I’m a people pleaser. I always have been and I think I’ve finally realized just how much that has hurt me in life. I don’t do anything, or almost anything, without getting some sort of “okay” from someone else.

I don’t talk about controversial or inappropriate things, I don’t follow my own style, I try to go with the flow of everyone else. I am a trained chameleon. I am very, very good at being a chameleon. Most people would describe me as quiet. Now, I have a lot of opinions, in fact my mind is a very loud place to be, there’s hardly ever any silence in there.

Now that it’s a new year, I’m going to be very cliche and reintroduce myself because “new year, new me” ya know?

Recently I died my hair lavender and chopped off about six inches, it’s now shoulder length and I love it. People look at me weird and honestly I don’t even care anymore. I’ve wanted to do this for years.

My blog has often been neglected for months at a time and a big reason for that is because I feel like I have to blog about certain things. Now though, I really want to dedicate my blog to things that I want to talk about. If I post two book reviews in a row, so be it. If there aren’t any pictures, so be it. If I want to be pessimistic, SO BE IT.

So hello world, again. I hope that my blog is a thing you’d like to read. I’m sure with all of my interests you’ll find something to read!

College Doesn’t Feel Like Home

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I’ve been struggling a lot this semester with things. I’m not going to talk outright about what I’ve been struggling with but it’s been difficult and has caused me to really think about where I am as a person and if it’s the right place for me to be.

When I was a kid, I always dreamed of going to college. I got so caught up in the stereotypes that we see in television, books, movies, that I always imagined my life to follow these same patterns. Then as my friends who were older than me began to graduate and leave for school I got even more excited and nervous about the future that lie ahead of me. Finally, it was my turn to go off to college.

I’m not going to bore you with the details of my first year of college but I’ll say this: by the time I moved out I left my dorm room with no friends, roommates who couldn’t care less about me (they literally didn’t even think I was still going to continue school this year), and the sense that this school would never quite feel like home to me.

I feel kind of lost this year. Like I don’t quite belong here but also that I have nowhere else to go. I like my classes, for the most part, and I like my job, but other than that I feel like I have no purpose here. Sometimes I wonder why I’m even getting an education except I know that I really have no other choices.

I’m still caught up in the stereotypes. Where you meet your best friends at school, you have fun, you experience things you never have before, you finally live your own life independently. This isn’t my reality, in fact it’s very far from it and I’m having a hard time accepting it.

Lately I’ve gotten better at being able to say that I don’t really need to be the stereotypical college student. I can survive just fine on my own, I know for a fact that I can thrive in solitude. It’s just hard knowing that people look down upon you for that.

I figure I’ll learn to like where I’m at. At least tolerate it long enough to get my degree and then get out of here. I have nothing holding me here, which I enjoy.

I’ve been hesitant to share my experiences at school because I feel like they stray so far from the norm. However, I think it’s a good idea to share. Why? Because I want to help other people understand that there isn’t one way to experience something. I don’t want the stereotypes to win in the end and make everyone try to act the same.

I hope you all enjoy this post and if any of you have had similar experiences, or want to share I’d love to hear about them.

I hope you all enjoy your weekend. I’m going to try and make a post every day for the next week or so and then ease my way back into twice a week posts as the semester comes to an end.