I wasn’t sure if I was going to come back to the blog. The longer I went without reading and the longer I went without posting the guiltier I felt. I’ve never quite felt like I belonged in this community so I really considered just disappearing and not coming back. More than once I almost deleted everything.
I started this blog the summer before I went to college. I was 18, almost 19 and excited and anxious about the future that was ahead of me. I never expected to be where I am now and it took me way too long to start taking care of myself and doing the things that I want to do. I got really good at running away from the things I needed to confront and in the end it all caught up to me.
The funny thing about rock bottom is that you never really know what the lowest point is. At least that’s the experience that I had. And the not so funny thing about rock bottom is that being a pessimist makes it incredibly difficult to want to crawl out of the hole. For a really long time I wanted nothing more than to simply stop existing.
Over the years I’ve abandoned a lot of projects and the more I worked on myself the more I got sad about the idea of completely abandoning this blog. I started reading for fun again (ended up marathoning EIGHT of Sarah J. Maas’ books in a week back in March) and when I didn’t feel the looming pressure of having to rate the books and write reviews I actually started to miss blogging.
When it comes to my hobbies I almost always put too much pressure on myself. I need to be good at things, I need to monetize my hobbies, or my worst thought which is that my hobbies aren’t actually worth my time. I used to have so much fun writing blog posts. Some of my older posts like this one on Empowertising involved outside research and I remember how hard I worked on it and how excited I was to finally post it. I really missed that aspect of blogging.
I’ve felt completely lost and utterly stuck for so long. Doesn’t help that it feels like every time I make a bit of progress something else comes up that ends up knocking me further backwards. I’m trying to not get too discouraged because in the end I am finally getting back on a path that I’m excited to be on.
With that being said, I wanted to say that if I find the motivation (or someone to help me with it) my blog is going to get an overhaul in the near future. There’s a lot of housekeeping matters that I’ve put off for too long and I’d rather not dread writing posts because there’s stuff on the back end that still needs to get done. I’m not sure how active I’ll be but I’m looking forward to dipping my toes back into writing again.
In other news, I’m going back to school! I applied to a couple schools back in January after many months of stressing and deliberating over what I wanted to do with my future. The longer I waited the more anxious I got but I finally heard back from my top choice and my transfer application was accepted! It feels like a fresh start and for the first time in a very long time I’m excited. I won’t be starting classes until August but I’m a bit overwhelmed with how short that timespan feels anyways.
As my to do list gets longer I do have to question my want to start blogging again. However I think it’s finally time to end my seemingly neverending hiatus. Plus I should probably have something to do in my free time that isn’t rewatching clips of British panel shows…
If you’ve made it to the end of the post, what’s your favorite book you’ve read recently? I’ve been doing a mix of rereading old favorites and comfort books but also have picked up a number of new books that I’ve really enjoyed. I’m in the middle of reading four or five different books right now and if you have any suggestions for what I should pick up next I’d love some recommendations!
I’ll be back soon with another post and in the meantime I hope y’all are doing well!