I Fear Boredom: Revisited

Back in April of 2017 I wrote a post about how one of my irrational fears was boredom and empty time. I decided that I wanted to talk about this again because two years later, this is still a really prevalent issue in my life.

In trying to get over this “fear” of boredom I spend countless hours doing meaningless things. Scrolling through social media and doing absolutely nothing. So even though I’m being “busy” I feel horrible about how I spend my days. I feel guilty about the amount of pointless content I consume and yet I can’t stop doing it.

In the past few months I have been trying to be more meaningful with my time. Making sure that I prioritize doing things like blogging and reading and going for walks. I started playing Pokemon Go again and obviously I started using this blog again. I’ve posted consistently and even started reading books again. But then a lot of nights I end up scrolling through Twitter and reading the same tweets seven times in a row because I can’t concentrate enough on what I’m doing to actually consume the media I’m trying to consume.

I know that a lot of this comes from my depression and it makes me hate my mental health problems even more. I feel guilty for not doing things but then I feel equally guilty for actually doing things. I haven’t watched any TV shows in months because I feel like it’s not worth my time to watch anything, so I end up just watching YouTube videos of Vine compilations because I’m so anxious I can’t watch anything else. And yet the list of media I want to consume just keeps getting longer and longer… And longer.

If I do actually do something, I feel guilty for doing it. Why go for a long walk and play Pokemon Go and enjoy the fresh air when there is laundry at home to be done? Why watch a new TV show when you could write a blog post? Why spend a day reading when you could do literally anything else? Why, why, why??? I even feel guilty picking out what book I want to read next because I want to have just read them all already. It feels nearly impossible to truly enjoy myself when doing anything because I always feel like nothing is truly worth my time.

To try and combat the way I feel about my time, I’m trying to just do things. I’ve basically stopped using social media except for Twitter. I’m going to try and watch The Haunting of Hill House sometime soon and Black Mirror season five was released this week so I’ll be watching those three episodes this weekend because even though I have issues with it, I’m obsessed. I’m trying to go to the library for a little bit every week to work on writing and just for browsing and people watching. I’m just picking whatever book I sorta want to read and then reading until I feel like switching to a new book or when I’ve finished that book I first chose.

The next thing I want to do is try to break the idea that I need to monetize my hobbies. I’m going to get back into painting and coloring because I need some color in my life and I’m going to refuse to let myself think I need to be doing something that will make me money. Too much of my life has to revolve around money and it makes me really sad.

Struggling with idleness is a really difficult thing to struggle with. Almost everything makes me anxious no matter if I’m doing something or not doing something. I really wish that it wasn’t like this but for now I’m stuck with it.

So I guess there’s my update on fearing boredom. I hope this wasn’t too depressing for your Friday read. Hope y’all have a good weekend.

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I Love My Library

The library in my hometown is one of my all time favorite places to go. It’s bright and full of sunshine and green (what a happy color green is) and best of all, books. Even if I don’t go there for books I still enjoy my time immensely. It has such a unique smell too that I swear every time I walk into the building I immediately feel better no matter how I’m feeling.

I still have the original library card I got when I started coming here and I’ve even memorized the number (this has come in handy many many times because I almost never actually have my library card on my person). I’ve spent countless hours here over the years doing homework, browsing books, using the printers, and just hanging out people watching.

For years I exclusively browsed the children’s section, then moved to both that section and the YA (teen) section where I stayed for years. I honestly don’t think I even set foot in the adult section until I was almost 20. The past few times that I’ve visited the library, I’ve been browsing the adult section endlessly; it’s honestly a little (a lot) overwhelming! There are just so many books. Sometimes I want to burrow myself back into the teen section and stay there but I know that there are so many good books in the adult section that I need to suck it up and just accept that I’ll never leave the library empty handed.

Libraries are absolutely wonderful and I am so grateful to have grown up so near a great one. For many summers I would bike there frequently, stuffing my backpack full with as many books as it could handle. I’m hoping that this summer I’ll be able to get a bike so that I can start biking to the library again because it’s a great excuse for exercise and also the backpack is a very helpful limit in keeping me from bringing home too many books.

After my post about collecting or hoarding books I just really want to talk up libraries. They’re really important to a lot of people for more than just borrowing books. They’re places for gathering, a great resource for people who can’t regularly access internet or printers, and of course the books are there too. I think it’s really important to support your local library in some way shape or form, they’re a community staple for people everywhere!

Do you have a library that you love to go to?

Mental Health is a Journey

It’s taken me all month to figure out what I wanted to say in this post. As you may or may not know, May is a Mental Health Awareness month… And as I used to be fairly open about on here, I struggle with mental health problems greatly. It’s not fun and I hate having to admit that I’m like this.

I’ve lost a lot because of my mental health and at this point I realize just how bad it is to truly tell people what you are going through. The stigma is insane and I honestly don’t think that it will ever go away, no matter how much people talk about it.

So this is me saying that I’m probably not going to talk about mental health on here anymore. Maybe very generally, or just in passing but I won’t be dedicating any posts to it, I won’t be discussing my diagnoses or anything like that. I just feel like I have been hurt more by my openness about my mental health than I have by anything else.

And you know what? Maybe I am playing into the whole stigmatization of mental health but until I see true change in people not judging or hurting people because of what is going on in their brains I will not be open with what is going on inside my own brain.

I’m just very tired of how horrible mental health care and treatment is and just how badly people act towards the mentally ill.

I hope that in going forward with this decision that you guys can understand where I’m coming from.

And remember that mental health is a journey for everyone. Not everyone is going to be at the same point that someone else is. Right now, my mental health journey is at a stop where I need to just do it by myself and not bring other people into it.

I feel almost cold blooded to talk like this… But I can’t help it. My mental health has brought nothing good into my life and I can’t imagine continuing being open about something that only destroys things. Do any of you feel this way? Do you think that in my doing this I’m playing into the stigmatization of mental health? Anyways, sorry for such a downer post! I promise I have happier stuff coming up.

And if any of you need someone to talk to, I’m happy to chat. Have a good rest of your day.

Today I Feel… Lost

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I was scrambling for something to write about for today… I can’t help but wonder if I’m already feeling the burnout even though I’m still enjoying this renewed blogging adventure. I just have a lot of thoughts that are constantly racing through my mind and it’s really frustrating.

Ever since I can remember I’ve felt lost. Like I’m just wandering through life without any purpose or direction and lately I’ve been really feeling that in a stressful way. I’m currently working a dead-end job that I’m not enjoying, have no motivation to work on things that I enjoy because of said job and just can’t stop daydreaming about doing better things.

I want to move to London. I want to go back to school. I want to work in a museum. I want to paint. I want to take pictures. I want to sew. I want to crochet. I want to read. I want to write. I want to blog. I basically want to do anything but what I’m actually doing.

I work 40 hours a week in a schedule that leaves me so tired most nights that I come home from work and just sit there scrolling through my phone with no motivation to do anything. And in reality it’s been like that for about two years now. Ever since I dropped out of school I’ve really stopped doing things that I’ve enjoyed. I think if you look at my post history you can really see that. I dropped off the face of the earth in 2017 and completely lost my direction.

I feel like I’m drowning in bad decisions and stupid dreams. And when I talk to people about where I’m at in life I get told one of two things almost every single time. The first being that I’m “young” and that I have plenty of time to get things figured out and the second is that I should just go back to school and that’s that. Both of these responses stress me out to no end. Trust me, I’m trying to go back to school and I’m trying to believe that I’m young enough to still be able to conquer the world someday. But in reality, I don’t think that I will ever be able to be as successful as I want to be. And maybe that’s just the pessimist in me but that’s all that I can think. Most parts of me feel like I’ve been destined from the start to work dead-end jobs just working to pay off perpetual debt and all my hopes and dreams are just those. Nothing feels attainable anymore and I think that’s why I feel so incredibly lost.

So I’m going to try and keep writing this blog and pretending that it will be successful. And maybe I’ll start painting again. And I’ll keep researching schools to apply to and maybe even work on finding a place I would enjoy spending my time outside of work. There’s not really much else to say. Life is scary right now and I wish more than anything that there was a clear path as to what I needed to do but there isn’t and I guess I just need to suck it up.

If you’ve stuck around reading this depressing post until now, thank you. I hope my word vomit was interesting or relatable or something.

I hope you all have a great weekend. I’ll talk to you on Monday.

New Year, New Me?

So, it’s been a long time since I’ve even touched this website. For a while I honestly thought that I was done blogging for good. Sometimes I still feel like I should give up on this blog completely and delete it. I’ve actually started getting rid of all of my social media and it’s been wonderful!

But then I remembered how much I actually enjoyed writing for this blog, how excited I got coming up with new content, and how it helped to add structure to a chaotic life that I honestly wish was still my life.

A LOT has changed since the last time I talked to you and while I know I will update you on some things, most of my life will be staying private, it’s been a whirlwind to say the least.

Now, that it’s quite a bit into the new year I figured I’d share with you five ways that I’m going to try and make this a really good year!

 

1.I’m going to get back into reading. Beginning next week I’ll have a half hour commute to and from work and while I know I’ll be listening to music most days (especially in the morning to get myself pumped up) in the afternoon I think I’ll listen to audiobooks. I recently tried Audible and really enjoyed it! Though I can’t afford the full subscription yet, I hope to be able to soon because I have yet to have the concentration to be able to sit down and read a physical book. I’d really like to power through all of Jen Sincero’s books because I have heard nothing but good things about them. I’ll be starting with You Are a Badass and then go from there.

2. The next thing that I’m going to try and work on is drinking more water and cutting out the soda. Granted my caffeine addiction is far from gone (I found out I can make really great iced coffee at home and I’m completely hooked. I will be sharing how I make my iced coffee in an upcoming post.) I think the first thing I need to do is get a new water bottle. For some reason those always make me more motivated to drink more water. I really want a HydroFlask but I might have to just stick to my trusty Nalgene bottle that I’ve had for years.

3. I really want to start exercising as well. I had a really good habit of going to my apartment gym for a while but then I got sick and a bunch of other stuff happened and now I’m back living at home and don’t have access to a gym. I think I’ll try to start doing yoga and weights in my room before work and then as soon as the weather gets nice I’ll be hiking as many weekends as I possibly can! My goal for a few years now has been to hit up every state park in Minnesota and I really want to get going on that goal.

4. I’d like to keep journaling. I started that pretty early on this year and have done really well with keeping my journal updated. I think I’m going to make another post soon on journaling again and talk more about how I journal now and also how I read and annotate self help books.

5. I want to develop and maintain a self care routine. At least once a week I want to pamper myself and pretend that I actually like it. I also want to have enough money to do things like possibly get my nails done or go get a massage if I had a really bad week. But first I’ll start off with face masks and not so healthy food. (This carbonated mask is still my absolute favorite when I want to have fun… I also reeeeeaaaally want to try the Hell Pore mask.)

So overall these are the things that I want to try at the beginning of this year to better myself. And included in all of this is a continuance of blogging. I’d really like to try and post once a week, if not more. I’m not going to try and force myself to stick to a schedule because I have sooooo much that’s going to be going on but I’ll start with posting once a week and going from there.

I’m really excited to be back y’all! Hope you’re ready for spending a great year with me!

 

Sincerely,

Amelia

P.s. I joined the Amazon Affiliate program so the links in this are from that. I promise I won’t share anything I know isn’t good.

 

 

 

I Fear Boredom

So I have a lot of irrational fears. So many in fact that I couldn’t even list them all in one blog post to talk about them. I swear every day there’s a new one to add to the list. The newest fear that I’ve discovered I have is a fear of boredom.

I don’t really know where this came from because normally the introverted side of me loves downtime. I still desperately need downtime in order to function daily but I’ve come to fear that downtime. I am terrified of the moments when I am not completely consumed by work or class or some sort of activity. I have packed my schedule to the brim in order to keep myself going almost constantly.

And yet those moments come creeping in, the space in between classes, the time when I don’t have homework to do. The hour I have after I’ve finished getting ready in the morning before I have to go to work or class.

I feel like I’m going crazy with the amount of anxiety that overwhelms me when I have downtime. It doesn’t make sense to me and I guess this is just me complaining about it.

Well, that’s what has been going on with me lately. Fear of boredom, yet not getting anything done because I can’t sit still long enough to do anything. I’m just all over the place.

Only 22 days until summer break and 25 days until I leave for London (which is a whole other thing that I’m terrified about, but that’s a story for a different day).

Hope you all have a great afternoon!

17 Things I Want To Do In 2017

I have never followed through on resolutions. Never! Not once! So I’ve decided to make a big resolution to never make another resolution. Instead I am going to make a list of 17 things that I would like to do in 2017.

 1 Blog consistently

I’m horrible at being a blogger. That’s pretty obvious to me, so this year I’d like to try and blog at least five days a week. I want to act like this is a job!

2 Crochet

I am in the process of opening an Etsy shop of crocheted items that I have made. Obviously in order to do this, I need to crochet things. I need to make things and I need to crochet every single day.

crochetingawasoe

3 Take more pictures

I just want the memories.

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4 Journal more

I’m working on a post about reasons to start journaling and I realized just how awful I am at journaling consistently so on top of blogging consistently, I would also like to journal consistently (every day would be amazing but I’d be happy with a few times a week, even just once week where I sat down and got out all my craftiness and emotions out would be awesome).

5 Workout

Starting off today I’m doing a 30 day workout calendar from Blogilates with my boyfriend and I’m hoping the two of us can hold each other accountable and workout a lot this year. We both really want to get into shape and I’m hoping by doing it together we’ll actually follow through.

6 Culture myself

Hahaha. Well I really just want to go to more museums, look at more art, go to London (hopefully!!). Hmmm. Yeah, that’s about it, I just want to appreciate stuff more. I want to go to plays and learn about history and people.

7 Go on a road trip!

Summer road trip to Seattle is currently being planned!

8 Meal plan

I’m one person. I hate making food for myself. I know that I need to take better care of myself and eat better and it’s so difficult for me because of all the food issues I have. I want to start meal planning and using the groceries I buy and really experiencing and enjoying food.

9 Develop an evening routine

Most nights this past semester have involved me working on homework until around midnight and then falling into bed and looking at my phone for over an hour until I’m finally tired enough to fall asleep (this “routine” also usually involved me forgetting to brush my teeth or take my makeup off). I want to have a routine that will help me wind down and maybe help with my insomnia some.

10 Cook more

This goes along with the meal planning. I started off the school year cooking a lot and I really enjoyed it! But then I started a second job for about a month and began to live off of granola bars and microwaveable meals which spiraled into me redeveloping some poor food habits and ended with me kind of never eating or eating really poorly. So I would like to cook more meals, I have a Pinterest board of recipes collecting dust and I intend to change that this next semester.

blueberrycheesecakeawasoe

11 Wear more lipstick

I love lipstick, I think it looks great on me. It makes me feel super bad ass but I rarely wear it because of my stupid anxiety. I always feel like people are judging me when I wear it. So now that I’m trying to care less about what people think of me I want to wear as much lipstick as I possibly can!!!

lipstickawasoe

12 Do more artsy things

I just painted a few days ago for the first time in about a year and it made me realize just how much I missed doing artsy things. When I had really bad insomnia in high school and middle school I used to stay up until two or three in the morning and just paint or draw or color and I really really miss just being so uninhibited with my artwork. I want to do more collages and paintings and use the adult coloring books I have.

13 Be cleaner and more organized

I have lost my student ID more times than I can count just because I put it wherever I please instead of keeping it in one specific spot. I have also run out of mugs (which is a feat for me because I have about 10 at school) just because I haven’t done dishes for so many days. I want to live with less clutter. So along with this I want to try and minimize my belongings. I’ve already done so with my books which is a pretty big deal for me.

14 Go on adventures

I want to be spontaneous and go hiking and just have fun.

hikingawasoe

15 Save money

Kind of self explanatory. I spend too much money, should save some more than I do. So I also need to learn how to budget.

16 Read more widely

I’ve really developed a wider reading range recently and I’d like to continue to read different genres and authors and learn things and be different from my younger only reads dystopian novels self.

bookandcoffeeawasoe

17 Treat others better

Tell people when I’m thinking of them. Bake cookies for my friends when they’re stressed out. Help people when they’re down on their luck.

I basically just want to be more consistent and have more fun this year. That’s basically it.

What do you all want to do this year?

Depression SUCKS

I have depression.

I mean that’s kind of obvious from the title, probably anyways.

So yeah, I have depression. I’ve had it for most of my life, but I only started seeking treatment for it within the last year.

Over the summer I was at a pretty high point. My anxiety was controlled for the first time ever and I felt like I was finally living life. I did have low points, that’s for sure, but for the most part my life was one giant high point in my depression.

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That’s me, last summer, I was so incredibly happy with who I was, I felt good! I was gaining confidence, I was working to become the person I wanted to be…

Then the school year started and I fell into a depressive episode that has barely lifted since September. And let me tell you, depression SUCKS. For almost the entirety of fall semester I did nothing but go to class and work and I barely did any homework. Thanks to the fact that I took such bad care of myself and stopped taking my anxiety medication my anxiety came back and I feel like that’s the ONLY reason that I passed my classes this semester.

I got sucked into this mindset that I wasn’t depressed enough to be depressed. When I say I passed my classes I mean I got straight A’s (minus one B). I missed two work shifts all semester, once for being sick and once for a final. I went to most of my classes, though I did skip some, compared to missing only one class at all last year this was not normal for me.

I’ve never gotten this low with my depression before and I hate it. I hate who I’ve become and it’s hard to look at myself and compare who I was just a few months ago to who I am now.

I want to get better and I’m trying. But the thing about depression is that sometimes it just sucks you down and it won’t let go. I have days here and there where my brain isn’t fuzzy, where I’m not irritable and hostile, where I find myself smiling genuinely and I truly feel like I’ve finally reached the other end of this chasm that I’ve fallen into. But I barely go four days at a time where I feel like this.

I’ve never spilled this much of my mind on a public platform. I’m not that type of person. I’ve never admitted publicly that I am depressed. That I have so many problems with myself; my mental health and my body. I am not a happy person right now. I’m lost and I’m suffering. I want to change, I really do. So here’s to 2017: I hope I can change.

mugawasoe

PS: I am starting a new category on my blog, titled Year of You. I’m going to use this as a way to track my progress mentally and physically as I work through a lot of stuff in this upcoming year.

Hello World… 2.0

Dear World,

My name is Amelia, and I’m a people pleaser. I always have been and I think I’ve finally realized just how much that has hurt me in life. I don’t do anything, or almost anything, without getting some sort of “okay” from someone else.

I don’t talk about controversial or inappropriate things, I don’t follow my own style, I try to go with the flow of everyone else. I am a trained chameleon. I am very, very good at being a chameleon. Most people would describe me as quiet. Now, I have a lot of opinions, in fact my mind is a very loud place to be, there’s hardly ever any silence in there.

Now that it’s a new year, I’m going to be very cliche and reintroduce myself because “new year, new me” ya know?

Recently I died my hair lavender and chopped off about six inches, it’s now shoulder length and I love it. People look at me weird and honestly I don’t even care anymore. I’ve wanted to do this for years.

My blog has often been neglected for months at a time and a big reason for that is because I feel like I have to blog about certain things. Now though, I really want to dedicate my blog to things that I want to talk about. If I post two book reviews in a row, so be it. If there aren’t any pictures, so be it. If I want to be pessimistic, SO BE IT.

So hello world, again. I hope that my blog is a thing you’d like to read. I’m sure with all of my interests you’ll find something to read!

You Eat What?

I’m attempting to develop a plant based diet.

I’ve eliminated 95% of the meat from my diet (I really only eat it when I go out to eat and on occasion I eat it when I’m home because I can’t afford to feed myself year round and my family doesn’t always make stuff that can easily be made vegan/vegetarian). I have cut out all dairy products from my diet except for cheese. And I don’t eat eggs!

I’ve found that it’s been really easy for me to transfer to a plant based diet. A lot easier than I expected it to be. It’s a slow transition but I’m really glad that I’ve chosen to make this transition. I think I’ve made a lot of progress for having only made this decision back in August.

I decided to make this decision because of ethical and environmental issues. And I know most people would suggest a bunch of different documentaries to watch, but I haven’t watched them because I’m honestly too scared to actually see the reality of what is happening to our planet. So instead of suggesting a bunch of documentaries I’m going to share some videos with you that I enjoy as well as some people who are very inspirational to me.

This video by Lucy is great!

Marissa decided to try the 30 day vegan challenge months ago and now has been vegan ever since. I love watching her “what I eat in a day” videos as well as her grocery hauls.

If you really want some high expectations and awesome recipes I really recommend Niomi’s videos.

The last person I want to talk about is Caitlin. She is a college student and she has amazing videos about being able to eat vegan on a budget!

So if you don’t think that being vegan is a feasible idea for you I have some other good ideas:

You could try cutting out meat a few different days a week, possibly try Meatless Monday, or only eat meat on the weekends or something.

Go cruelty free with you makeup if you wear it. I’ve been working to make this transition as well.

You can buy more sustainable and recyclable products and avoid things made with leather and fur.

There are a lot of small changes that you can make that can build up to make big changes.

I really urge you all to do your own research and figure out what you want to do with this whole situation. And try some of the recipes in the videos, they’re really great.

Have a good Monday!