Reintroducing Myself

Well hello everyone and happy Saturday!

I’ve realized that I have gotten a lot of new followers recently and I feel like I should reintroduce myself to all you new folks! Also just wanted to sneak this in here and say thank you so much to all of you who have decided to follow my blog. I started this blog in 2015 after I graduated from high school and finally started putting a real effort into it earlier this year and it’s really been a phenomenal addition to my life. Granted, I still feel like I’m talking to myself but every time I get a comment or a like it absolutely makes my day.

I go by Amelia on here because, if I’m being completely honest here, I was at one point so obsessed with Amelia Pond from Doctor Who that I needed to name something after her. And I’m not going to have children so my pen name was thus formed. In case you’re wondering what I look like, well here’s one of the decent selfies I’ve taken recently.

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And, well, to keep it real… Here’s what I look like 75% of the time:

This blog mainly focuses on books but I’m not one that can really follow a niche and I don’t feel like maintaining multiple blogs so you just kind of get whatever I feel like posting each day. I don’t really have a favorite genre, if a book sounds interesting to me I’ll give it a try. In real life I don’t really have a ton of people to talk to so blogging gives me a way to share something with the world and it’s just been a really nice way to feel productive.

Now I’ll share some fun facts with you:

    1. My favorite color is yellow, but I wear almost exclusively black and other dark colors which basically just means I’m covered in pet hair 100% of the time no matter how many times I lint roll my clothing.
    2. My favorite movies are Jurassic Park and The Princess Bride. I even have a Jurassic Park tattoo! I will probably also get a Princess Bride tattoo at some point, I want all the tattoos.
    3. I have dyed my hair far too many times. Over the years I’ve had ever natural hair color a person could have and it’s been every “crazy” color except orange and yellow. But I did want to try those. Right now, though I’m trying to just grow my hair out and heal it from all the bleach it’s dealt with in the past two years.
    4. In sixth grade I got extra credit for being able to spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious in my band class. Truly a crowning achievement.
    5. As a freshman in college I took an entire class based around Star Wars and to this day I still haven’t watched an entire Star Wars movie from beginning to end. I will say, though, that one of the best research papers I’ve ever done was an argumentative essay in which I was trying to convince my readers that Ewoks are, in fact, evil.
    6. Halloween is my favorite holiday and fall is my favorite season. Give me all the spooks and coziness and I’m one happy camper.
    7. I don’t really have an official bucket list but if I did, the top five things on that list would be: hike the Appalachian Trail, see Machine Gun Kelly in concert, see Dear Evan Hansen, see the Northern Lights, and own a pair of Louboutins (which is just really extravagant but dang I want to rock a red bottom… lol I’m really not even that into fashion most days).
    8. I’m as obsessed with makeup as I am with books. My former therapist used to tell me all the time that I should try going to cosmetology school… That is still up in the air at this point but I’ve seriously considered it. I do really love playing with makeup. Red lipstick makes me feel like such a bad ass. Makeup is one of my biggest forms of self care!
    9. My favorite animals are cats and red pandas (I have four real cats and four stuffed red pandas… Truly living the dream).
    10. My dream is to live someplace with such good public transportation that I don’t have to drive. (AKA I want to live in London)
    11. I was a dancer for 12 years and now can barely do any physical activity thanks to chronic pain and exercise induced asthma ūüôā
    12. My favorite number is 13, which is why I’m going to end this with 13 little tidbits
    13. These are my two favorite Youtube videos, I watch them every single time I feel sad. The Mitchell Robbins series by Gus Johnson makes me laugh until I cry every single time I watch it:

So there we have it. Just a fun little bit of info about me. Thank you all again for following and I hope you have a wonderful day!

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Today I Am… Stressed

So I know that I said a while back that I really didn’t want to talk about my mental health on here anymore but I need to talk about the struggles right now. I was having a really hard time coming up with an idea for a blog post today and I just realized that I am so overwhelmingly stressed out right now that I might as well make one of my “feelings” posts.

Right now, I am sitting in my bed with a pounding headache and trying really hard not to cry. I’m super nauseous and ready to crawl into a hole and completely give up.

It’s almost my favorite time of year, so why the horrible stress? Well thanks to my good ole PTSD, I can’t enjoy fall without being constantly stricken by trauma induced stress! Wow, isn’t mental health fun?? /s

I’m realizing now just how traumatic the beginning of the school year has become for me. August-October holds a lot of really bad memories for me and it’s hard to get through a whole day without ending up a complete mess because something triggered me.

Recently I’ve been learning just how badly smells can trigger things. But that’s a topic for a different breakdown…

I had a bunch of assignments due last night (I swear prewriting posts gets so weird because at the time of writing this as mentioned above I was sitting in bed finishing assignments but at the time of posting this I’ll be well into my shift at work) and I just got so overwhelmed that I had to completely bullshit my way through proposing research topics. It’s honestly one of the worst feelings ever right now to realize that I could end up failing this class already because it’s not what I expected it was going to be and unfortunately, it’s required for my degree so I can’t just drop it. My expectations are going down the drain because I’m not interested in the assignments, the idea of doing the work makes me ill, and I already want to drop out again.

I’m so far past burnt out that I think I’m going crazy. I won’t bore you with more of the symptoms that I’m dealing with in regards to my mental illnesses but let me just tell you, they’re not pretty.

And so with that I am going to go try and sleep to get rid of this pounding headache because I know that’s the only thing that will help.

And I will pretend to try and be positive and list five things that I am thankful for right now:

  • Makeup that stays on even when I spend all day crying
  • Cool breezes
  • Taylor Swift
  • Memes
  • The morning show that I listen to on the radio every day

Also if you’ve made it to the end of this post, genuinely thank you for reading my manic breakdown panic. Normally if I go to write a post like this, I type it all out and then immediately delete it. I’m kind of at a point where I’ve been told by everyone to just suck it up and deal with what I’m dealing with because no one wants to hear it? So that’s what I try to do… But it’s really hard to keep everything bottled up and not talk about things. I mean it would probably help if I actually had people to talk to. Yay for having no friends anymore. Anyways, hope you all enjoy your days. TTYL.

A Quick Update Post: What I’m Currently Doing

It was a whirlwind of a weekend and I didn’t have a chance to prewrite anything for Friday or today so here’s what I’m currently up to, just to give y’all a little update!!

Reading…¬†Neverworld Wake by Marisha Pessl. Among other things, that is. I just finished rereading my favorite book of all time so expect a post on that soon. I’m also slowly but surely working my way through my backlist of ARCs from Netgalley because I was staying on top of things until last month when I went downhill mentally.

Listening…¬†My brothers and their friend screaming outside in the pool. And with my headphones in I’m actually listening to some old school Sleeping With Sirens.

Writing…¬†This is actually really exciting. I have decided to embark on a crazy project that I’m hoping will go up in October. I’m feeling very inspired after a conversation that I had with my grandparents yesterday and I can’t wait to see what I can do. I won’t be sharing too much but I will tell you it involves short stories and spookiness.

Feeling…¬†NERVOUS AS HECK. Classes start on Thursday. And the syllabi just went live and I have no idea how this is going to go. My financial aid is being difficult because I had to provide a ton of verification documents that felt incredibly pointless!!

Drinking…¬†A strawberry banana smoothie from Caribou that I got after my eyebrow appointment this morning. Also thinking of making tea and taking my computer outside to work on some blog posts since I don’t have work today and the weather is gorgeous.

Eating…¬†Does drinking a smoothie count as eating something? I really should make myself lunch soon. I might just eat some snacks instead.

Watching…¬†24 hour readathon vlogs. I’m sort of addicted to watching reading vlogs as of late? Really makes me want to make them but my house is so loud that it’s so hard to film here. I’ve tried to make a reading vlog in the past but I always get discouraged in the end and scrap the whole project. It would be fun to expand my platform to Youtube and I know it’s not a numbers game but I feel like no one would watch my videos. Who knows. Now I’m off topic so I’ll move on.

Hoping…¬†That the cute boy messages me back. And also that my face does not stay red for too much longer. I got my eyebrows waxed for the first time ever this morning and while I didn’t react as badly as I thought I would, I am still very red.

Wanting…¬†Cold weather and fuzzy socks. The weather yesterday was so pleasant that it made me so hopeful for fall. Time is going far too quickly for me but I’m very much looking forward to cooler days.

Thankful for…¬†The great outdoors, summer tradition, cats, and sunshine.

Not my typical type of post as of late. But I wanted to just put up something quick and fun. Posts should hopefully be regular from here on out unless school gets to me. But I’m going to try and be better than I have in the past with my horrible procrastination habits.

I have a lot of fun stuff in mind for upcoming posts and I can’t wait for October too with my giant plans.

I hope you all had a nice weekend and that your week is starting off well. Happy Monday!

The Books That Shaped Me: Part 3

I honestly thought that I would only be doing one post for this series but the more that I thought about all the books that have meant so much to me over the years, the more that I realized there were way more than could fit into one post.

Part 1 consisted of the books that I read throughout elementary school. Part 2 was all the books that I read throughout middle school. And now this post, Part 3, is going to showcase all the books that I read throughout high school. There could possibly be a Part 4 someday with books that I read in college (my first attempt at college anyways) but I’ll have to see, I might also lump a few of them into the end of this post because there really weren’t many that I read. Homework kinda got to me and I avoided reading so much!

So high school was when I discovered BookTube and Goodreads. I joined Goodreads in November of 2011 when I was a freshman.

Books by Sarah Dessen

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Her books are some of my favorite YA contemporary books and whenever I need something happy to read I pick up one of hers. I haven’t read all of her books yet but I’m working on it. She and Maureen Johnson are two of my absolute favorite authors and I will probably buy every single one of their publications from here on out.

The Top 8 series, which then turned into my love for Morgan Matson starting with Amy and Roger’s Epic Detour

I don’t even remember why I got the Top 8 series, I’m sure I had a gift card to Barnes and Noble, looked inside, liked the formatting and then bought all of them. But the Top 8 series were written under Matson’s pen name, Katie Finn. I’m not even sure when I found out that Finn was Matson but I remember being absolutely shocked because I had had books under both of her names for years before ever realizing.

Dystopian Books: Hunger Games, Delirium, Shatter Me, Divergent)

I would honestly be shocked by anyone who was into reading from around 2012-2014

Smile by Raina Telgemeier

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Her books introduced me to graphic novels! And boy did I reread Smile so many times, like I would be genuinely interested to see just how many times I checked it out from the library back then before I owned my own copy of it!

The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

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Oh good ole TFIOS. I don’t think I could make a post about books I read in high school without mentioning this gem. This was also the first ever signed book that I owned and I literally shrieked and danced around my kitchen when I saw that that’s what my grandma had managed to purchase.

The Possession of Cassie Quinn by Kathryn Knutson

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My sister bought this book at a local bookstore in the town that my grandparents live near. After she read it, I picked it up and I loved it. I’ve read both this book and her second book and I’m so glad that I liked them because I love having the opportunity to support a Minnesotan author.

It took me a really long time growing up to get into horror things. I mean, I used to be terrified by the show Ghost Hunters and either had to leave the room or put on headphones to block out the noise. I was scarred pretty early on in life by the movie Arachnaphobia and while I’m still terrified by spiders, other horror stuff doesn’t really scare me anymore. I love the spooky stuff.

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury

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This was one of the only classics that I was forced to read in high school that I genuinely enjoyed. The story sticks with me even to today and there are just so many quotes from this that make me feel all the feels.

Great Expectations by Charles Dickens

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And this one is not on here for a good reason. I HATE this book, like it is one classic that I genuinely despise. I usually dislike classics for one reason or another (most of the time being that I have the hardest time reading them) but I actually have a deep seated hatred of Great Expectations. I’m now kind of fuming right now just thinking of it and almost want to write an entire blog post dedicated to my hatred of this book.

Quiet by Susan Cain

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I read this book so that I could write a paper about it in my tenth grade English class. I have absolutely no recollection what that paper was about but

Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell

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One of the first books I’ve ever read where I saw myself. It hurt. It’s still absolutely everything to me.

Anna and the French Kiss/The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight/My Life Next Door

I also started to get really into YA contemporaries when I was in high school. I bought Anna and the French Kiss at a Borders Books store on the way back from New York one summer (does anyone else fondly think of Borders? I might like it too much because I don’t have any access to small book stores and I’ve never been a big fan of Barnes and Noble). I even saved the sticker from AatFS because I wanted to preserve the last Borders purchase I ever made.

Anyways, I very quickly fell in love with the contemporaries that I read. The idea of having an open ended happy ending just made my heart happy. I devoured happy endings as much as I could, breaking my own single little heart time and time again. I pretended that they taught me a lot about what I wanted in relationships and in guys.

So overall, my reading in high school was full of contemporaries, classics (forced reading), and dystopian. I definitely started to hone in on my favorites and began to read a bit more critically than I had in the past.

Now that I’ve written about a lot of the books that have shaped my reading and myself over the entire course of my life, I’ve started to think about a new series of posts. I would really like to start rereading some of the books featured on these posts and discuss them now. Why I loved them when I first read them, why I still love them today (or not love them depending), and if they still hold up today. I’ll preface it all by saying that I almost always fail with my post series though so we shall see how far this idea takes me.

What were some of your favorite books in your teenage years?

 

Guilt and Burnout

So I decided to take a break.

And it wasn’t because this blog made me feel burnt out or stressed. In fact, I have so many post ideas for this blog that I’m a little overwhelmed! However, this blog doesn’t provide me with any income and because of that, I work full time outside of putting effort into this blog. And the longer that I work my full time job, the more I’m feeling burnt out on anything that actually brings me joy.

My acid reflux is back, to the point where I can’t even bend over when I wake up in the morning or I risk throwing up (sorry if that’s TMI). I’m also falling asleep before 8:30 almost every single night. Literally nothing is bringing me joy (like I got accepted into an online college program and I cried because I was scared over how I’m going to balance full time work and full time school instead of getting excited over finally going back to school). So I got burnt out and this blog took the brunt of that. And I felt guilty, so so guilty over taking a break because this was the last thing that I wanted to take a break with. If anything, I need a break from my full time job! But that will never happen…

It’s frustrating to feel guilty over needing a break. But I don’t know what else to do. I’ll be starting classes at the end of August and I know that school needs to be a priority, but I also really need the income that my full time job provides. I’m at a crossroads that looks like the only choice that works is to let myself continue to get burnt out and continue to be exhausted and sad all the time because I can’t prioritize my happiness. And I know that sounds awful but I have no idea what else to do.

I’ve been off this blog for almost two weeks and it would be so easy to just continue to not post. Like that would be so easy, but that’s not what I want to do. I just finished rereading The Opposite of Loneliness by Marina Keegan and was so inspired to start writing again but when everything else in my life piles up I just break.

I really miss when seeing my “path” was easy. I miss having simple choices and being inspired and joyful. It’s been a long time since then.

So anyways, to make a long story short. I’m back. (LOL how many times have you heard that line from me??) I’ve got a number of posts I’ll be working on this weekend, I’m planning on spending most of Saturday at the library since I have to register for classes too. I just really hope that something magically happens that makes every decision clear to me in the next few weeks.

Thanks for reading my drama. Happy Friday.

FOMO In The Book Community

So unrelated but also sort of related… I finally took the Enneagram test the other day and it was revealed unto me that I am a Type 6 and ooooohhhh boy did I feel SEEN when I read the description for the type.

Now the biggest thing with being a Type 6 is that I’m scared. Of everything. Like wow, this has never made more sense to me in my entire life! And right now, one of the things that I’m really struggling with is FOMO. And this post will specifically talk about FOMO in the book community that has been created online.

I would absolutely love to start a BookTube channel but I feel as if I could never gain momentum in such a vast community. I also feel like this blog will never gain momentum, nor will my Twitter or Goodreads. I just feel like I’ll be stuck within this tiny little bubble writing for the two people who seem to read all of my posts.

And yes, I’m well aware that I don’t need a vast amount of followers or anything like that but I have a lot of opinions that I want to share and I want them to be seen widely! So right now I’m struggling with a lot of FOMO regarding the online book community. I think part of this is having seen so many posts about this most recent BEA and Book Con but also just because I’ve been following an increasing number of bookish people on Twitter and I always want to participate in conversations but I almost feel like I don’t have the right to just reply to these public tweets.

I started filming clips to try and make a reading vlog a few weeks back and I keep trying to tell myself to film because I know that I’ll have fun editing the footage once I actually film stuff. I took a film production class back when I was still in school and I had so much fun creating videos and I miss that aspect of being creative. Digital art is how I started off feeling like I was good at being creative and I want to start that up again. At this point I don’t think that I’ll ever feel confident enough to post anything to YouTube and that makes me sad.

For once I just want to feel like I’m part of a community instead of only sitting on the sidelines. My whole life I’ve been on the sidelines. Every friend I’ve had has always had someone that they’re closer to, every group I’ve been in I feel uncomfortable for one reason or another. I constantly feel like the odd one out and it sucks.

But despite all of this, I’m going to continue to persevere and maybe someday I’ll find a bit of a community for myself. That’s all I can hope for.

Also, on a side note, I hit 100 followers on here and I just wanted to say that I am so very thankful for everyone that has chosen to follow me since I began this blog back in 2015. It’s been quite the journey since then and I wanted to genuinely thank you for sticking with me no matter how long you’ve been a follower. Thank you!!

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Books That Shaped Me: Part 2

This is a continuation of my list of books that shaped me that I started in this post. These books in this post though are going to be ones that I read a little later in my reading “career”. Basically that means that these are the books that I was completely obsessed with while I was in middle school.

Books by Jodi Picoult

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I think the first book I ever read by her was The Pact and the Between the Lines books she wrote with her daughter are still some of my favorites!

Books by Maureen Johnson

I need to get her Truly Devious series still!! She is an auto-buy author of mine and also one of my favorite people to follow on Twitter.

The House of Night series by P.C. and Kristin Cast

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One of the girls who was in my middle school friend group recommended these to me and we both obsessed over them for most of eighth grade. Like we were reaaaally obsessed.

Twilight

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Except I had the lovely movie cover mass market paperback edition from my grandma lol. And to this day I only like the first two books!!

Graceling

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My grandma bought me this book and Twilight for Christmas when I was in seventh grade. I think I read both of them before I even left my grandma’s house that winter break. Though I’m not a huge fan of the two other books in this series Graceling is still up there as a favorite.

The Gallagher Girl series by Ally Carter

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I got the third book in this series without realizing that it was the third one (I feel like this happened to me a lot with series when I was a kid… But a lot of books I read were okay to be read out of order so I guess I never really thought about it a lot.) and then had to go back and get the other ones. I really want to reread this to see how it stands up today!! I know my library has all the books so maybe I’ll work through those this summer.

The Mother-Daughter Book Club series by Heather Vogel Frederick

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You guys!! I didn’t realize that there was a seventh book!! I need to get this now to complete my collection! I really want to reread this series this summer too. I love these books!

The Mysterious Benedict Society by Trenton Lee Stewart

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Books by Ellen Hopkins

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I don’t really read her books anymore, they just make me sad. But I loved how they were written in verse because it made them so quick to read. I do want to reread some of them though. Especially the Crank books because those were the first ones of hers that I read and I’m not sure if I’ve reread them at all since the first time.

I think through middle school and into high school I started to read a lot of “darker” books. Like Ellen Hopkins and I mean even Jodi Picoult has very heavy themes in her books. There are a number of books that I really liked to read that I will not be sharing because I just feel like they’re unsuitable to share. I’ve moved past that stage and that’s all I’m going to say.

So I think that’s a pretty comprehensive list of books that I read in my middle school years! And I figured I’d share this video with you guys from the YouTuber BooksAndLala because she’s started to do a series where she’s reading specific books that she loved during certain years when she was a kid!

I’m going to try and make a third and final post in this series with books that I read in high school. A lot of stuff I read in high school was more rereading stuff I’d already read and lots of reading slumps from having to read so much for school already. Hopefully I can throw together at least a few more books to share though! Also I have to ask, who else had a Twilight phase? Still can’t believe how much I loved that book! Now I just love to laugh at it. Anyways, enough from me, have nice day everyone!

 

I Fear Boredom: Revisited

Back in April of 2017 I wrote a post about how one of my irrational fears was boredom and empty time. I decided that I wanted to talk about this again because two years later, this is still a really prevalent issue in my life.

In trying to get over this “fear” of boredom I spend countless hours doing meaningless things. Scrolling through social media and doing absolutely¬†nothing.¬†So even though I’m being “busy” I feel horrible about how I spend my days. I feel guilty about the amount of pointless content I consume and yet I can’t stop doing it.

In the past few months I have been trying to be more meaningful with my time. Making sure that I prioritize doing things like blogging and reading and going for walks. I started playing Pokemon Go again and obviously I started using this blog again. I’ve posted consistently and even started reading books again. But then a lot of nights I end up scrolling through Twitter and reading the same tweets seven times in a row because I can’t concentrate enough on what I’m doing to actually consume the media I’m trying to consume.

I know that a lot of this comes from my depression and it makes me hate my mental health problems even more. I feel guilty for not doing things but then I feel equally guilty for actually doing things. I haven’t watched any TV shows in months because I feel like it’s not worth my time to watch anything, so I end up just watching YouTube videos of Vine compilations because I’m so anxious I can’t watch anything else. And yet the list of media I want to consume just keeps getting longer and longer… And longer.

If I do actually do something, I feel guilty for doing it. Why go for a long walk and play Pokemon Go and enjoy the fresh air when there is laundry at home to be done? Why watch a new TV show when you could write a blog post? Why spend a day reading when you could do literally anything else? Why, why, why??? I even feel guilty picking out what book I want to read next because I want to have just read them all already. It feels nearly impossible to truly enjoy myself when doing anything because I always feel like nothing is truly worth my time.

To try and combat the way I feel about my time, I’m trying to just¬†do¬†things. I’ve basically stopped using social media except for Twitter. I’m going to try and watch¬†The Haunting of Hill House¬†sometime soon and Black Mirror¬†season five was released this week so I’ll be watching those three episodes this weekend because even though I have issues with it, I’m obsessed. I’m trying to go to the library for a little bit every week to work on writing and just for browsing and people watching. I’m just picking whatever book I sorta want to read and then reading until I feel like switching to a new book or when I’ve finished that book I first chose.

The next thing I want to do is try to break the idea that I need to monetize my hobbies. I’m going to get back into painting and coloring because I need some color in my life and I’m going to refuse to let myself think I need to be doing something that will make me money. Too much of my life has to revolve around money and it makes me really sad.

Struggling with idleness is a really difficult thing to struggle with. Almost everything makes me anxious no matter if I’m doing something or not doing something. I really wish that it wasn’t like this but for now I’m stuck with it.

So I guess there’s my update on fearing boredom. I hope this wasn’t too depressing for your Friday read. Hope y’all have a good weekend.

I Love My Library

The library in my hometown is one of my all time favorite places to go. It’s bright and full of sunshine and green (what a happy color green is) and best of all, books. Even if I don’t go there for books I still enjoy my time immensely. It has such a unique smell too that I swear every time I walk into the building I immediately feel better no matter how I’m feeling.

I still have the original library card I got when I started coming here and I’ve even memorized the number (this has come in handy many many times because I almost never actually have my library card on my person). I’ve spent countless hours here over the years doing homework, browsing books, using the printers, and just hanging out people watching.

For years I exclusively browsed the children’s section, then moved to both that section and the YA (teen) section where I stayed for years. I honestly don’t think I even set foot in the adult section until I was almost 20. The past few times that I’ve visited the library, I’ve been browsing the adult section endlessly; it’s honestly a little (a lot) overwhelming! There are just so many books. Sometimes I want to burrow myself back into the teen section and stay there but I know that there are so many good books in the adult section that I need to suck it up and just accept that I’ll never leave the library empty handed.

Libraries are absolutely wonderful and I am so grateful to have grown up so near a great one. For many summers I would bike there frequently, stuffing my backpack full with as many books as it could handle. I’m hoping that this summer I’ll be able to get a bike so that I can start biking to the library again because it’s a great excuse for exercise and also the backpack is a very helpful limit in keeping me from bringing home too many books.

After my post about collecting or hoarding books I just really want to talk up libraries. They’re really important to a lot of people for more than just borrowing books. They’re places for gathering, a great resource for people who can’t regularly access internet or printers, and of course the books are there too. I think it’s really important to support your local library in some way shape or form, they’re a community staple for people everywhere!

Do you have a library that you love to go to?

Mental Health is a Journey

It’s taken me all month to figure out what I wanted to say in this post. As you may or may not know, May is a Mental Health Awareness month… And as I used to be fairly open about on here, I struggle with mental health problems greatly. It’s not fun and I hate having to admit that I’m like this.

I’ve lost a lot because of my mental health and at this point I realize just how bad it is to truly tell people what you are going through. The stigma is insane and I honestly don’t think that it will ever go away, no matter how much people talk about it.

So this is me saying that I’m probably not going to talk about mental health on here anymore. Maybe very generally, or just in passing but I won’t be dedicating any posts to it, I won’t be discussing my diagnoses or anything like that. I just feel like I have been hurt more by my openness about my mental health than I have by anything else.

And you know what? Maybe I am playing into the whole stigmatization of mental health but until I see true change in people not judging or hurting people because of what is going on in their brains I will not be open with what is going on inside my own brain.

I’m just very tired of how horrible mental health care and treatment is and just how badly people act towards the mentally ill.

I hope that in going forward with this decision that you guys can understand where I’m coming from.

And remember that mental health is a journey for everyone. Not everyone is going to be at the same point that someone else is. Right now, my mental health journey is at a stop where I need to just do it by myself and not bring other people into it.

I feel almost cold blooded to talk like this… But I can’t help it. My mental health has brought nothing good into my life and I can’t imagine continuing being open about something that only destroys things. Do any of you feel this way? Do you think that in my doing this I’m playing into the stigmatization of mental health? Anyways, sorry for such a downer post! I promise I have happier stuff coming up.

And if any of you need someone to talk to, I’m happy to chat. Have a good rest of your day.