Finish making Christmas presents (I’ve made 3 hats and 2 pot holders so far… Which means I have 10 pot holders left to make AND I have to woodburn 4 spoons)
Publish at least 3 blog posts
Read at least 2 books
And last but not least… Clean my room
Random things I’ve been loving this week:
Supernatural! I’ve been rewatching Supernatural because my sister keeps threatening to spoil me. I stopped watching the show back in season 9 because she spoiled me on a character death that shook me and I literally couldn’t bring myself to watch the show again. But now that the show is ending, and I have somehow managed to go many, many years without being spoiled on anything but that one character death, I figured I might as well get caught up in time for the show to be done.
Adore You by Harry Styles
Being warm… Cozy clothes are so nice and the weather was surprisingly mild this past week but now it’s supposed to get really really cold and I’m going to be miss being somewhat warm.
And also my spotify wrap up which is always my fave thing to see
This post was kind of just thrown together but I wanted to start doing a weekly wrap up sort of post that summarized life and blog stuff so we’ll see how this evolves as time goes on!
Hope you all have a great week! I’ll chat with you soon 🙂
“The Liebster Award is an award that exists only on the internet and is given to bloggers by other bloggers. The earliest case of the award goes as far back as 2011. Liebster in German means sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, and welcome.”
Say thank you to the person who has nominated you for the Award.
Answer the 11 questions the person has asked you
Nominate 11 people
Ask the people who you have nominated 11 questions
Thank you, Emer, for nominating me for this! I haven’t been very active at all recently and getting this notification just really made my day. Also if you aren’t already following Emer you really should! She’s one of my favorite people in the bookish community and I absolutely love her blog!!
I’m just going to answer the questions that Emer asked me in this post 🙂 Because the social aspect of blogging is making me quite anxious right now so that’s that. Plus I’m not sure if my brain could handle coming up with 11 whole questions!
What is your favourite all time music video? Share a link.
I swear this is like the impossible question!! This is for two reasons: 1. I, uh, don’t really watch music videos? And 2. No seriously, I think I’ve watched three music videos this year and they were all Taylor Swift ones….
One music video that I love is for NaNaNa by My Chemical Romance
My best friend from middle school introduced me to them and this was the first music video I ever watched, she just told me to look up NaNa by My Chemical Romance and all I could think was WTF until I got home and looked it up and found that the song is in fact called NaNa. I also vividly remember this being the exact moment when I realized that I wanted to dye my hair crazy colors. Shockingly I still haven’t gone bright red yet! I just enjoy how cinematic this video is!
Oh and Listen to the Man by George Ezra is a video I watched on repeat for a while.
Also a big, big fan of all Taylor Swift music videos.
AAAAAnd this ASL version of 7 Rings with Nyle DiMarco:
If you could spend a year living in another country where would you choose and why?
I just want to go back to London, yeah not a country but this is my answer so that’s that lol. Just give me a year in London and I will be so happy. Also, I won’t even lie when I say that one of the main reasons is the public transportation. The Tube is everything I could ask for in my daily commute and I would cry tears of joy if I didn’t have to drive on a daily basis. Other reasons are the museums, the food, the parks, the accessibility to live theatre, once again THE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION, the list could go on and on and on.
If you could switch places with any character (book, TV show, or film) for a day, who would you switch with and what would you do?
I feel like this is such a random one but I would love to trade places with April from Parks and Rec just so that I could be in the presence of Leslie Knope but I wouldn’t be Leslie so I could still just be incredibly pessimistic and somewhat lazy.
What is the best snack food in your opinion?
Do you like to read the book before you watch its film adaptation?
So this one it actually depends. Which is a big change from what I used to think. If I’m not interested in reading the book I’ll watch the film first. I also enjoy watching plays or classics before reading them because then I find it easier to understand. Also if I think that I can manage reading a book before the film comes out then I will do so, but if I don’t think I can do it in a timely manner I will watch the film in order to reduce the possible spoilers.
What’s on your list of top three books that you have read so far in 2019?
*brain short circuits because I can only pick three books*
Without picking rereads, Eliza and Her Monsters is hands down the top book of the year. And ooh this is so hard! I think I’ll just throw Ninth House and Red, White, and Royal Blue in there as the other two! There are quite a few that are fighting for spots in my top books but I think I have a solid 10!
What are three things you love most about being a member of the online book community (blogs, book twitter, bookstagram, Goodreads etc.)?
The support and encouragement that I have found is one of the greatest things to have come out of this year of blogging. I have had this blog since 2015 and barely used it up until this year. The end of 2018 was the hardest time of my entire life and I genuinely didn’t think that I would be alive to see 2019 or beyond. So to say that I am grateful for the community that I have found here is an understatement. I am so utterly grateful for each and every person that reads my blog. Wow, okay, crying now. But seriously this is such a supportive community and I can go from posting every single day to taking an entire month off and no one bats an eye. I have felt so welcome and encouraged and I couldn’t ask for a better community to be a part of!
Seeing the creativity in others is another thing I love! I so enjoy seeing the post ideas that people come up with. I love seeing what people post on bookstagram and I’ve got to say that the book related memes on Twitter are top notch.
The last thing is the mutual love of books! Growing up I was always so much farther ahead of my peers when it came to reading. In kindergarten I even had my own reading group so that my teacher could push me. My love of books continued to grow but this wasn’t the same for everyone else. I could never gush about books as much as I wanted to and even though my school was quite academic, reading for fun wasn’t really top priority for other people like it was for me. Plus I had and still have very few friends IRL that I can talk to anyways! It wasn’t until I stumbled upon Booktube videos and then expanded into the rest of the online bookish community that I realized just how many people are out there that are so immersed into reading and books. My views have expanded immensely and I’ve learned about so many new books and authors and while at times it can be totally overwhelming I wouldn’t change it!
Do you have a bucket list? If yes, what are the top five items on your list? If not, what do you think would be in your top five?
I don’t have a specific written out bucket list but I do kind of just keep a running list of things I want to do in my lifetime.
Here are five things from that running list:
Visit every state park in Minnesota and every national park in the United States
Write (and publish) a book
Meet Josh Gates (and find Bigfoot with him)
See Machine Gun Kelly (or other artist that has music that has had a part in keeping me alive) in concert
Hike the Appalachian Trail
If they were making a film of your life who would you like to cast as yourself?
For whatever reason as soon as this question is asked I completely forget every actor that has ever existed except for Emma Watson? The only reason I have for this is because I would like to be Emma Watson.
Other than that, I genuinely have no idea.
What would you do if you were invisible for a day?
Rob a bank. Gotta pay off those debts!!
And then I’d probably just people watch without fear of them realizing I’m staring at them.
If you could pick someone to write and perform a song inspired by you, who would you pick?
I feel like Taylor Swift could do this justice. Or maybe Adele. Basically anyone who does a good job of singing the heartbreaky songs.
Well, I think I answered them all! Now it’s time to go take my finals and celebrate the end of my first semester back in school.
If I can be honest, I hate the holidays. I hate being around family (especially extended family), I hate snow, I hate the stress that comes with Christmas shopping, and I hate how I feel compared to the way that other people do. The holidays have never been a cheerful time in my life, I think the only reason I enjoyed them is because it meant time off of school. This year is particularly hard because it brings up a lot of tough stuff.
I think that it’s easy for people to forget that while this might be the “most wonderful time of the year” for them, it’s really bad for other people. There are so many things that can play into that but having bad changes happen in your life and then seeing so much happiness everywhere else is incredibly draining. I would like to feel that joy too but unfortunately it’s just never been there.
Last year, I was in a really dark place and I had no intention of being here by this time this year. It’s very difficult to admit that I’m still here and I’m very much floundering in having to admit that I actually have to plan for a future.
Posting on this blog right now is going to be coming a lot more intermittently than I was planning on. I’m hoping to get up at least a post a week but school is a lot more time consuming than I expected it to be… As is work. I feel so stuck but I need to keep up with work and my bills so that I can try and move by next winter.
On a more positive note, last year I had put a lot of time and effort into opening a handmade business on Etsy. It was my heart and soul and while it’s still up, sales have been few and far between thanks to their (stupid) new policies. I’ve been tempted to open up a Shopify account under a new shop name and maybe try my hand at a few markets next summer (if I can manage to make any inventory). I picked up a crochet hook for the first time in months this weekend and I almost cried because it feels so good to make again. Being creative makes me so happy and I think I’ve spent too long trying to force myself to try and figure out other ways to be happy. I’m working on making presents for my family for Christmas and I’ve started to look into local farmers markets to try to apply for for next summer.
Hopefully I’ll be back to myself (or some version of myself that I think I should be) soon and in a better headspace than I’m in right now. It’s snowing outside right now and I’m quite sad at the fact that I’ve seen multiple countdowns to Christmas on Twitter this weekend. I really hope that being productive will help me forget about the bad times that are November and December.
I’ll talk to you guys soon with a review for Bunny by Mona Awad 🙂
Hello, hello everyone. I am back now after taking a littler over a week off of blogging. I was feeling uninspired (or more like overwhelmed because I wasn’t actually finishing any of the books or posts that I had started). I think I’m back now and I have a lot of ideas for new blog posts and I’m looking forward to getting back into the swing of things.
I decided though today to talk about my relationship with social media because it seems relevant as to why I took a break.
I don’t want to say that I’ve ever been addicted to social media. But I will say that I have always been highly influenced by social media. I constantly compared myself to other people and struggled to curate the perfect online presence. And I understand that other people also curate the perfect online presence but it still frustrated me that their “happy” and “good” moments seemed better than mine.
Things got really bad last year when I lost a job and was trying to use Instagram to advertise for my handmade products that I sell on Etsy. I followed hundreds of people and spent hours every single day scrolling through Instagram just looking at all of these people that were better than me. I’m not going to lie when I say it broke me a little bit. I felt so unsuccessful and so unloved and bad about who I was and what I was doing. That time period holds a lot of regrets for me and that’s why I tried to avoid social media as much as I could.
So in January I deleted Instagram. And in August I deleted Facebook. I have no IRL friends anymore so I didn’t really see the point in following the lives of people that I didn’t talk to and that didn’t talk to me. This blog was a way for me to be “social” and share things that I enjoyed without having to actually leave my house. It’s been a lovely reprieve from the stressors of my life and I was really sad when I realized that I was getting overwhelmed by it. Right now I’m also going to school full time (possibly looking into transferring again) and working full time as well. I’m just burning myself out at every end and it’s getting to me. So after dropping a class last weekend because I couldn’t handle it, I decided to take a break from the blog as well.
This break was really nice. I have a whole list of posts that I’m really looking forward to writing, I’m renewed and ready to start again AND it let me get creative in a whole different medium. Which I’ll talk about now:
So I got a Twitter for this blog and sort of just use it to shit post as well as share my blog posts. Plus I follow a lot of funny people that make my day with their tweets. And just recently I decided to make new Instagram accounts. I made a bookstagram (@amelia.and.her.books) and one that I’m sharing hiking/nature posts on (@amelia.rosin). Those Instagram accounts are the ones I want to talk about. I’ve decided to just share whatever I want to share and work on making creative posts and sharing the pictures that I love. I’ve been ignoring the numbers and just posting things that I like! I don’t even have notifications on and it’s the best decision I’ve made in a while. It’s been a lot of fun and it’s been so nice to get back into the swing of taking pictures. Photography has always been a favorite hobby of mine and when I’m stressed out and sad it’s the last thing that I want to do. But I know that when I can sit down and edit pictures it makes my day when the vision I had in my head shows up on my camera.
I’ve also been working on getting back into creative makeup. Doing my makeup has always been a huge form of self care. It makes me feel better because it’s so much fun and creating new looks is inspiring! I haven’t decided yet if I want to make a third Instagram account just for posting makeup or if I want to add a section to my Bookstagram that focuses on the makeup looks I create that are based off of book covers! Either way I think it will be fun 🙂
Now back to the blog. I am hoping to try and post every day again like I managed to do for the beginning of October but if I can’t I’ll be posting on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday! I’m going to work on getting back to comments and whatnot today and tomorrow and yeah I’m happy to be back and done being as stressed out. I’ll be back tomorrow with a Top Ten Tuesday post 🙂
I’ve seen a few people make update types posts centered around how they would chat with you if we were having coffee and because I have nothing else to talk about today I figured I’d just write a real quick update post.
This morning I’m drinking a nice ice cold cup of coffee that I brought with me from home, I spilled a decent amount of it in my car while backing out of the driveway so now I have to clean my car when I get home. It’s supposed to be sunny today which I’m really looking forward to, my sister and I are supposed to run errands after I get home from work and not having to drive in the rain is going to be great.
The temps are quickly dropping and we’re supposed to get snow that actually sticks next week 😦 just in time for trick-or-treating 😦
Speaking of trick-or-treating I’m kind of sad because I’m not sure I can dress up this year, I think my brother’s are either doing something Harry Potter related or are going as the grim reaper and a minecraft monster? They told me their ideas weeks ago and clearly I’m a great sister because I can’t remember whatsoever. I’ve been so busy with work and school that I haven’t been able to plan a costume out. Halloween is my favorite holiday and costumes and makeup are my freaking favorites and I think I’ve only missed one year of dressing up since I was a kid. I was kind of thinking of either trying to pull off a deer or fairy look (because it’s 99% makeup for those looks). Might just throw on a witch hat too. Will try looking for stuff while I’m out with my sister tonight.
Right now I’m reading Ninth House and absolutely LOVING it. I have about 150 pages left and I don’t want it to end! I’m honestly so glad that my most anticipated read of the year is living up to my expectations, I was so nervous.
I went hiking last weekend and am hopefully going to go hiking again this weekend. I might even be stopping by this really cool sculpture park if I can manage it. There’s a whole lot of homework that I have to do this weekend though. Not going to lie but one of my classes is really disappointing me. The strictness and formalness of online professors is honestly really bumming me out. Like the rules and requirements for one of my assignments is so long that I almost had a panic attack because it convinced me that there was no way I could possibly pass. OH and I got docked a point on a video project for NOT SAYING GOODBYE. Yeah, let’s just say I’m not a fan.
On a happier note (kind of) I made new Instagram accounts! My nature/hiking account is @amelia.rosin and my Bookstagram is @amelia.and.her.books Instagram was a really toxic platform for me and it brings back a lot of not so great memories so I’m trying hard not to let it get to me this time. If you decide to follow me on there, go for it, just don’t expect much from me because there’s a good chance I’ll end up deleting it if it stresses me out.
Things are busy and hectic at work and I’m definitely feeling the strain of trying to do school, work, and this blog. This blog is one of the only good things I have left and I’m trying so hard not to let it fall to the wayside. If I can just make it through to the end of the semester I have a whole month to take a break from school. Balance has never been something I was good at and I’m realizing even more as I get older how bad I am at time management and balance.
So I think that’s just about everything going on in my life right now. Lots of school, way too much work, and not enough reading and happy things. I need a good long nap and a week of recovery time. But since I’m not going to get that, I will continue to consume a boatload of caffeine and go from there. Have a great day everyone 🙂
It is now coming to the close of Asexual Awareness Week 2019 and I felt like I wanted to make a post before it ended.
Back when I was a young teen, I was scrolling through Tumblr (as was my daily routine back then) and stumbled across a post talking about asexuality. It felt like a lightbulb went off in my head and I remember then frantically googling more about what being asexual meant and all the puzzle pieces finally started to fall into place.
When I was younger, it was easy not to realize that anything was different about me, but by the time high school hit and all the raging hormones had started to set in, I felt weird when people talked about things. Like my best friend at the time had discovered smutty fanfiction and I found myself grossed out by it… I spent more time calling out the poor writing than anything else. I didn’t understand what people meant when they talked about how attractive someone’s body was or how they wanted to sleep with someone. If I had a crush on someone, I didn’t fantasize about kissing them or anything further, all I could think about was holding hands or sitting and reading books together. I turned really quickly to “I’M SAVING MYSELF FOR MARRIAGE” so that I could avoid talking about sex. It was a great excuse.
Realizing that I was asexual was a mind-blowing experience, I’m not even going to lie. I’m still trying to sort out other aspects of my sexuality but I know for a fact that I am asexual. Sometimes I’m still nervous to talk about the fact that I’m asexual. For the most part, it’s an irrelevant conversation so I try to keep it to myself but I just wanted to share it for this week.
I’m aware that asexuals have vastly different struggles than other LGBT+ people but honestly I’ve spent a lot of time wishing that I could just be “normal”. I don’t think I can even list all the people that have ghosted me upon finding out that I’m asexual, so at this point I’ve given up on the idea of dating.
I guess I should try and stop rambling and just say, hey asexuals exist and we’re all vastly different and if you have any questions feel free to ask!! I love talking about this with people!!
What a pleasant surprise!! Emer nominated me for the Sunshine Blogger Award which absolutely made my whole week (still makes me smile even though her post was a while ago… I have just been very behind on any and all posts). She is an absolute gem and if you aren’t following her already you should definitely check out her blog! Thank you, Emer, for the nomination 🙂
What is the Sunshine Blogger Award?
The Sunshine Blogger Award is given to those who are creative, positive and inspiring while spreading sunshine to the blogging community.
How does it work?
Thank the blogger(s) who nominated you in a blog post and link back to their blog.
Answer the 11 questions sent by the person who nominated you.
Nominate 11 new blogs to receive the award and write them 11 new questions.
List the rules and display the Sunshine Blogger Award logo in your post and/or on your blog.
Do you own more than one copy of any book? If yes then what book/s?
I have two copies of most of the books in the Harry Potter series. My paperback ones are incredibly beat up seeing as I’ve read them many, many times since I was 6 so I’ve been trying to get secondhand hardback copies to have ones I can read without fearing they’ll fall apart.
I also have a number of books in both physical format and in ebooks (A few Sarah J. Maas books that I bought to read when I traveled abroad, and also Fangirl).
And, uh, I also have 4(?) copies of Pride and Prejudice even though I still haven’t read it…….
Describe your perfect day.
But really, it would have to be a gloomy fall day. Where the morning starts off foggy and the sun never really comes out of the clouds. You can almost see your breath so all the cozy clothes and accessories are warranted. The ground is covered in soggy leaves and it just rains on and off. I get to aimlessly wander a bookstore and a museum with a nice drink (probably an iced coffee or some chai) and then go home to just sit in bed and read/stream a movie or show that I love.
What attracts you to a book? The cover? Blurb? Recommendation from others?
Cover and title, even though the title really means absolutely nothing to me in the end. I’ve started to just ignore blurbs altogether because I like being surprised by what I’m reading. I’ll read the blurb once to decide if I’m really interested in it or not but then that’s it. I am a sucker for a good cover!!
You are having a dinner party and can invite three famous people (either living or dead) to the party. Who do you invite?
David Tenant, Josh Gates, and Taylor Swift. The closest I have ever gotten to any of them is that my roommate from my London study abroad trip and I stood outside the stage door for a play David Tenant was in and we SAW HIM. IN THE FLESH. He was RIGHT THERE. RIGHT THERE PEOPLE.
Who is your favourite superhero?
Spiderman, probably. Honestly, I say this because I don’t follow the superhero stuff at all. I have seen very few superhero movies (like less than 10 and uh, one of them is Iron Man 3 but I have not seen the other Iron Man movies)… But I have seen almost all of the Spiderman movies and I love Andrew Garfield and Tom Holland.
Which would you prefer to win: an Oscar or a Grammy?
An Oscar. When I was a kid I actually really wanted to be an actress. I was the lead in two or three plays back in elementary school and I feel like if I hadn’t developed such crippling anxiety that I would have continued to pursue theatre. If I could become an actress, even now, I’d take the opportunity right away. Plus I don’t even think if I was a good singer that I would feel comfortable enough to sing in front of people.
What is the first book that you ever wrote a review for?
On this blog, it was Wild by Nature which I actually won in a Goodreads giveaway forever ago!! On Goodreads, though, I guess it was for this book called Girl in the Arena and all I said was “I can’t even put into words how disappointing this was” so I guess it was really bad lol.
Coca Cola or Pepsi?
Pepsi. Unless I’m getting takeout from McDonald’s because then Coca Cola all the way.
And funny story about Pepsi, when I was living with one of my former roommates we basically lived off of Pepsi products (it was a low point for both of us, caffeine and sugar fueled all our antics). So one day we went to the grocery store and they had a crazy sale on six-packs of the pop but they had limits for how many each person could get (I’m sure you can see where this is going). So we each bought the limit and then went out and ran the rest of our errands and then went back to the grocery store hours later and bought the limit again. I want to say it was like 6 packs per person? So we had like 24 6-packs of Pepsi and Mountain Dew…. This is a lil embarrassing now typing this out lol.
Are you an early bird or a night owl?
Night owl! Funnily enough I literally just wrote a post about this! I could probably become almost nocturnal if my work schedule let me.
What is your all time favourite quote from a book you loved?
“Stand at the top of a cliff and jump off and build your wings on the way down.”
From Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury. This is the only classic that I read in high school that has absolutely stuck with me over the years. There were so many lines in this book that just made me think but I love this quote because it just fits with my horribly chaotic life. Still working on those wings.
What’s the last book you bought (eBook, audiobook or physical book)?
Uhhhh… So I bought 4 books while shopping with my sister the other day. Guts by Raina Telgemeier, The Alice Network by , Pumpkinheads by Rainbow Rowell, and this book about the witches in the Harry Potter series for my sister as an incredibly late birthday/general Halloween present (because I am a GREAT sister).
Since the end of January now I’ve been working a full time job that requires me to be there at 7 AM Monday-Friday. If all of my posts on burnout and stress over the past few months weren’t an indication enough, I’m not a huge fan of my hours. And don’t get me wrong, for the most part my job is actually pretty great (apart from customers who make me cry and sexually harass me…) and the hours help me avoid having to drive during rush hour but I am not and in no way will I ever be a morning person.
Over the years I have definitely strived to be a morning person, oh I’ve tried so much, but it just doesn’t happen. I can get up comfortably at like 8 or 9 but before that I am one cranky person. Ever since I was a baby I didn’t sleep well at night and over the years that just kind of stuck. I’m actually a big fan of calm and peaceful mornings, cozy beds and big cups of coffee, but it takes a lot of effort in order to be truly productive in the morning. Being awake with enough time to do a full face of makeup and eat breakfast are great but also sleep is much better. Honestly, most mornings I roll out of bed with about twenty minutes to get out the door. I usually do my makeup in my car in the parking lot when I get to work!
At night is when I truly find my energy. It honestly really sucks because I tend to get my energy up right around dinnertime and then almost immediately have to force myself to go to bed. This summer sucked because I was in bed before the sun set most days 😦
I truly love the weekends even when it does completely screw up my sleep schedule. The freedom to stay up as late as I want is amazing. I get so much reading done! I love the peacefulness of a setting sun… When it comes to sunrises now I just get stressed out, it feels like there’s too much that must get done and I have to start rushing. A sunset indicates the end of the day and time to finally enjoy some peace.
I definitely don’t think that I could ever be nocturnal (tried it once, slightly enjoyed it but going to work at 8 PM did get quite stressful) but I feel like I thrive in the dark. Which makes work suck even more because while I enjoy getting 8-9 hours of sleep every night, I feel like I’m missing out on so much of my “me-time”. I genuinely miss staying up until 3 or 4 in the morning working on crazy craft projects or watching TV or reading.
And now, thinking back on high school… I have to wonder how I ever survived it. I would stay up until 3 AM multiple nights a week and then be up and in class by 8:30 AM and then straight to work a few days a week until 7 PM and so on and so forth. Also I really wonder where I would be right now if I had actually channeled all those late nights into something productive instead of just screwing around on Tumblr and YouTube… I guess I did cry over physics homework a lot too but still. Imagine the potential I had that I just wasted!
So I guess this post was just me lamenting about how much I miss being able to stay up late… Those were good times and I really can’t wait to have a different job where I can go back to all my late night shenanigans with no issues. Oh the qualms of a night owl who has to fit herself into a early bird box *cries forever*
I grew up always thinking that for one reason or another I wouldn’t live long enough to become an adult and have to make adult decisions. I’m pretty sure that’s why I never actually had a “dream job” or big aspirations or anything like that. I’m pretty sure I told my peers a different job every time they asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up… I had teachers in high school who tried to encourage me to pursue the things that I was good at (American Sign Language and photography/graphic design/art) but then I had other teachers/professors tell me that I would never be good enough to pursue those things. So I pursued none of those things.
My first year of college I changed my major six times before finally declaring communications as my official major. I ended up dropping out at the very beginning of my junior year thanks to a disgustingly messy breakup and an existential crisis that triggered a complete breakdown. When I started looking into going back to school, I realized that most schools didn’t offer a communications program that would be similar to what I had at my previous school so I had to change my major yet again. I finally decided upon English because I might as well just get a degree instead of nothing.
I’m not super interested in school. I haven’t been in years. If I’m being honest, the classes that I thrive in are math classes but I can’t picture myself doing any sort of career that utilizes math. I just like having concrete answers. Books have genuinely been the only constant in my life. They’re the one thing that I will always end up turning to. They are always an interest of mine. When I started working the job that I have right now it was out of desperation to pay my bills… And now I’m stuck here until I finish my degree. So I’m forcing myself to get through a degree that I’m really not that interested in, to hopefully get a better job that will allow me to pay off my debt so that maybe, just maybe, someday I will be able to retire or own a house.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ll probably start enjoying school more once I get more into major specific classes but also being an English major, I’m stuck doing all sorts of things that I don’t like doing… Like peer reviews. So I guess I’m just really discouraged to be in the spot that I am right now. I royally screwed up my life and I’m just constantly wishing that I was in a different spot than I am now. I saw all my peers graduating and moving away and just all over thriving this year and it makes me really sad to look at my life and see where I actually am. I just want to be happy and thriving and not barely making it paycheck to paycheck despite the fact that I don’t even have a rent or car payment.
I’m struggling to not constantly wish for things to be different. I wish that I had made different choices in my past and I wish that the future was more clear. I wish that I could see that everything will be worth it in the end. I’m an incredibly logical person and it’s difficult to be optimistic when there is so much wrong with not only my life but with the larger world.
Sigh… I don’t want to keep going on and on about this but I’m just really discouraged with where I’m at. I want to take a break and find motivation again but I can’t. Which makes things even worse. And now I’ve just got more work stuff to stress about so that’s fun……..
Sorry to be such a downer on a Friday. I’ve just been overwhelmed by the amount of stuff I have to do that is getting me nowhere. I’m just going to try and hold out hope that something good will happen to me and that the world doesn’t end before that has the opportunity to happen.
So I know that I said a while back that I really didn’t want to talk about my mental health on here anymore but I need to talk about the struggles right now. I was having a really hard time coming up with an idea for a blog post today and I just realized that I am so overwhelmingly stressed out right now that I might as well make one of my “feelings” posts.
Right now, I am sitting in my bed with a pounding headache and trying really hard not to cry. I’m super nauseous and ready to crawl into a hole and completely give up.
It’s almost my favorite time of year, so why the horrible stress? Well thanks to my good ole PTSD, I can’t enjoy fall without being constantly stricken by trauma induced stress! Wow, isn’t mental health fun?? /s
I’m realizing now just how traumatic the beginning of the school year has become for me. August-October holds a lot of really bad memories for me and it’s hard to get through a whole day without ending up a complete mess because something triggered me.
Recently I’ve been learning just how badly smells can trigger things. But that’s a topic for a different breakdown…
I had a bunch of assignments due last night (I swear prewriting posts gets so weird because at the time of writing this as mentioned above I was sitting in bed finishing assignments but at the time of posting this I’ll be well into my shift at work) and I just got so overwhelmed that I had to completely bullshit my way through proposing research topics. It’s honestly one of the worst feelings ever right now to realize that I could end up failing this class already because it’s not what I expected it was going to be and unfortunately, it’s required for my degree so I can’t just drop it. My expectations are going down the drain because I’m not interested in the assignments, the idea of doing the work makes me ill, and I already want to drop out again.
I’m so far past burnt out that I think I’m going crazy. I won’t bore you with more of the symptoms that I’m dealing with in regards to my mental illnesses but let me just tell you, they’re not pretty.
And so with that I am going to go try and sleep to get rid of this pounding headache because I know that’s the only thing that will help.
And I will pretend to try and be positive and list five things that I am thankful for right now:
Makeup that stays on even when I spend all day crying
The morning show that I listen to on the radio every day
Also if you’ve made it to the end of this post, genuinely thank you for reading my manic breakdown panic. Normally if I go to write a post like this, I type it all out and then immediately delete it. I’m kind of at a point where I’ve been told by everyone to just suck it up and deal with what I’m dealing with because no one wants to hear it? So that’s what I try to do… But it’s really hard to keep everything bottled up and not talk about things. I mean it would probably help if I actually had people to talk to. Yay for having no friends anymore. Anyways, hope you all enjoy your days. TTYL.