Too Depressed to be Creative

Inspired by Dodie Clark’s song When, here’s a video I made featuring the same song.

I am creative by nature and when the moments come when all I can do is sit in bed and stare at my phone or stare at nothing things get difficult. This video is my creative response to being to depressed to actually be creative. How ironic!
Sincerely,
Meagan
Advertisements

I Fear Boredom

So I have a lot of irrational fears. So many in fact that I couldn’t even list them all in one blog post to talk about them. I swear every day there’s a new one to add to the list. The newest fear that I’ve discovered I have is a fear of boredom.

I don’t really know where this came from because normally the introverted side of me loves downtime. I still desperately need downtime in order to function daily but I’ve come to fear that downtime. I am terrified of the moments when I am not completely consumed by work or class or some sort of activity. I have packed my schedule to the brim in order to keep myself going almost constantly.

And yet those moments come creeping in, the space in between classes, the time when I don’t have homework to do. The hour I have after I’ve finished getting ready in the morning before I have to go to work or class.

I feel like I’m going crazy with the amount of anxiety that overwhelms me when I have downtime. It doesn’t make sense to me and I guess this is just me complaining about it.

Well, that’s what has been going on with me lately. Fear of boredom, yet not getting anything done because I can’t sit still long enough to do anything. I’m just all over the place.

Only 22 days until summer break and 25 days until I leave for London (which is a whole other thing that I’m terrified about, but that’s a story for a different day).

Hope you all have a great afternoon!

Sincerely,

Meagan

I Have An Etsy Shop Now!

I’ve been painting a lot lately because it’s a wonderful way for me to cope with my anxiety. So I decided to open up an Etsy shop to sell prints of some of the watercolor paintings that I created.

Here’s a link so that you can check it out! I’m also planning on adding things that I’ve crocheted in the future, but I want to get a little bit better with crocheting before I do that.

I don’t have many paintings up right now, but I have been working on more and I’m hoping to upload a few more within the next couple of days. If any of you happen to check it out, tell me what you think!

Have a wonderful Tuesday everyone!

Sincerely,

Meagan

17 Things I Want To Do In 2017

I have never followed through on resolutions. Never! Not once! So I’ve decided to make a big resolution to never make another resolution. Instead I am going to make a list of 17 things that I would like to do in 2017.

 1 Blog consistently

I’m horrible at being a blogger. That’s pretty obvious to me, so this year I’d like to try and blog at least five days a week. I want to act like this is a job!

2 Crochet

I am in the process of opening an Etsy shop of crocheted items that I have made. Obviously in order to do this, I need to crochet things. I need to make things and I need to crochet every single day.

crochetingawasoe

3 Take more pictures

I just want the memories.

aftonawasoe

4 Journal more

I’m working on a post about reasons to start journaling and I realized just how awful I am at journaling consistently so on top of blogging consistently, I would also like to journal consistently (every day would be amazing but I’d be happy with a few times a week, even just once week where I sat down and got out all my craftiness and emotions out would be awesome).

5 Workout

Starting off today I’m doing a 30 day workout calendar from Blogilates with my boyfriend and I’m hoping the two of us can hold each other accountable and workout a lot this year. We both really want to get into shape and I’m hoping by doing it together we’ll actually follow through.

6 Culture myself

Hahaha. Well I really just want to go to more museums, look at more art, go to London (hopefully!!). Hmmm. Yeah, that’s about it, I just want to appreciate stuff more. I want to go to plays and learn about history and people.

7 Go on a road trip!

Summer road trip to Seattle is currently being planned!

8 Meal plan

I’m one person. I hate making food for myself. I know that I need to take better care of myself and eat better and it’s so difficult for me because of all the food issues I have. I want to start meal planning and using the groceries I buy and really experiencing and enjoying food.

9 Develop an evening routine

Most nights this past semester have involved me working on homework until around midnight and then falling into bed and looking at my phone for over an hour until I’m finally tired enough to fall asleep (this “routine” also usually involved me forgetting to brush my teeth or take my makeup off). I want to have a routine that will help me wind down and maybe help with my insomnia some.

10 Cook more

This goes along with the meal planning. I started off the school year cooking a lot and I really enjoyed it! But then I started a second job for about a month and began to live off of granola bars and microwaveable meals which spiraled into me redeveloping some poor food habits and ended with me kind of never eating or eating really poorly. So I would like to cook more meals, I have a Pinterest board of recipes collecting dust and I intend to change that this next semester.

blueberrycheesecakeawasoe

11 Wear more lipstick

I love lipstick, I think it looks great on me. It makes me feel super bad ass but I rarely wear it because of my stupid anxiety. I always feel like people are judging me when I wear it. So now that I’m trying to care less about what people think of me I want to wear as much lipstick as I possibly can!!!

lipstickawasoe

12 Do more artsy things

I just painted a few days ago for the first time in about a year and it made me realize just how much I missed doing artsy things. When I had really bad insomnia in high school and middle school I used to stay up until two or three in the morning and just paint or draw or color and I really really miss just being so uninhibited with my artwork. I want to do more collages and paintings and use the adult coloring books I have.

13 Be cleaner and more organized

I have lost my student ID more times than I can count just because I put it wherever I please instead of keeping it in one specific spot. I have also run out of mugs (which is a feat for me because I have about 10 at school) just because I haven’t done dishes for so many days. I want to live with less clutter. So along with this I want to try and minimize my belongings. I’ve already done so with my books which is a pretty big deal for me.

14 Go on adventures

I want to be spontaneous and go hiking and just have fun.

hikingawasoe

15 Save money

Kind of self explanatory. I spend too much money, should save some more than I do. So I also need to learn how to budget.

16 Read more widely

I’ve really developed a wider reading range recently and I’d like to continue to read different genres and authors and learn things and be different from my younger only reads dystopian novels self.

bookandcoffeeawasoe

17 Treat others better

Tell people when I’m thinking of them. Bake cookies for my friends when they’re stressed out. Help people when they’re down on their luck.

I basically just want to be more consistent and have more fun this year. That’s basically it.

What do you all want to do this year?

Sincerely,
Meagan

Depression SUCKS

I have depression.

I mean that’s kind of obvious from the title, probably anyways.

So yeah, I have depression. I’ve had it for most of my life, but I only started seeking treatment for it within the last year.

Over the summer I was at a pretty high point. My anxiety was controlled for the first time ever and I felt like I was finally living life. I did have low points, that’s for sure, but for the most part my life was one giant high point in my depression.

smileyawasoe

That’s me, last summer, I was so incredibly happy with who I was, I felt good! I was gaining confidence, I was working to become the person I wanted to be…

Then the school year started and I fell into a depressive episode that has barely lifted since September. And let me tell you, depression SUCKS. For almost the entirety of fall semester I did nothing but go to class and work and I barely did any homework. Thanks to the fact that I took such bad care of myself and stopped taking my anxiety medication my anxiety came back and I feel like that’s the ONLY reason that I passed my classes this semester.

I got sucked into this mindset that I wasn’t depressed enough to be depressed. When I say I passed my classes I mean I got straight A’s (minus one B). I missed two work shifts all semester, once for being sick and once for a final. I went to most of my classes, though I did skip some, compared to missing only one class at all last year this was not normal for me.

I’ve never gotten this low with my depression before and I hate it. I hate who I’ve become and it’s hard to look at myself and compare who I was just a few months ago to who I am now.

I want to get better and I’m trying. But the thing about depression is that sometimes it just sucks you down and it won’t let go. I have days here and there where my brain isn’t fuzzy, where I’m not irritable and hostile, where I find myself smiling genuinely and I truly feel like I’ve finally reached the other end of this chasm that I’ve fallen into. But I barely go four days at a time where I feel like this.

I’ve never spilled this much of my mind on a public platform. I’m not that type of person. I’ve never admitted publicly that I am depressed. That I have so many problems with myself; my mental health and my body. I am not a happy person right now. I’m lost and I’m suffering. I want to change, I really do. So here’s to 2017: I hope I can change.

mugawasoe

Sincerely,
Meagan

PS: I am starting a new category on my blog, titled Year of You. I’m going to use this as a way to track my progress mentally and physically as I work through a lot of stuff in this upcoming year.

Hello World… 2.0

Dear World,

My name is Meagan, and I’m a people pleaser. I always have been and I think I’ve finally realized just how much that has hurt me in life. I don’t do anything, or almost anything, without getting some sort of “okay” from someone else.

I don’t talk about controversial or inappropriate things, I don’t follow my own style, I try to go with the flow of everyone else. I am a trained chameleon. I am very, very good at being a chameleon. Most people would describe me as quiet. Now, I have a lot of opinions, in fact my mind is a very loud place to be, there’s hardly ever any silence in there.

Now that it’s a new year, I’m going to be very cliche and reintroduce myself because “new year, new me” ya know?

Recently I died my hair lavender and chopped off about six inches, it’s now shoulder length and I love it. People look at me weird and honestly I don’t even care anymore. I’ve wanted to do this for years.

My blog has often been neglected for months at a time and a big reason for that is because I feel like I have to blog about certain things. Now though, I really want to dedicate my blog to things that I want to talk about. If I post two book reviews in a row, so be it. If there aren’t any pictures, so be it. If I want to be pessimistic, SO BE IT.

So hello world, again. I hope that my blog is a thing you’d like to read. I’m sure with all of my interests you’ll find something to read!

You Eat What?

I’m attempting to develop a plant based diet.

I’ve eliminated 95% of the meat from my diet (I really only eat it when I go out to eat and on occasion I eat it when I’m home because I can’t afford to feed myself year round and my family doesn’t always make stuff that can easily be made vegan/vegetarian). I have cut out all dairy products from my diet except for cheese. And I don’t eat eggs!

I’ve found that it’s been really easy for me to transfer to a plant based diet. A lot easier than I expected it to be. It’s a slow transition but I’m really glad that I’ve chosen to make this transition. I think I’ve made a lot of progress for having only made this decision back in August.

I decided to make this decision because of ethical and environmental issues. And I know most people would suggest a bunch of different documentaries to watch, but I haven’t watched them because I’m honestly too scared to actually see the reality of what is happening to our planet. So instead of suggesting a bunch of documentaries I’m going to share some videos with you that I enjoy as well as some people who are very inspirational to me.

This video by Lucy is great!

Marissa decided to try the 30 day vegan challenge months ago and now has been vegan ever since. I love watching her “what I eat in a day” videos as well as her grocery hauls.

If you really want some high expectations and awesome recipes I really recommend Niomi’s videos.

The last person I want to talk about is Caitlin. She is a college student and she has amazing videos about being able to eat vegan on a budget!

So if you don’t think that being vegan is a feasible idea for you I have some other good ideas:

You could try cutting out meat a few different days a week, possibly try Meatless Monday, or only eat meat on the weekends or something.

Go cruelty free with you makeup if you wear it. I’ve been working to make this transition as well.

You can buy more sustainable and recyclable products and avoid things made with leather and fur.

There are a lot of small changes that you can make that can build up to make big changes.

I really urge you all to do your own research and figure out what you want to do with this whole situation. And try some of the recipes in the videos, they’re really great.

Have a good Monday!

Sincerely,

Meagan