If I can be honest, I hate the holidays. I hate being around family (especially extended family), I hate snow, I hate the stress that comes with Christmas shopping, and I hate how I feel compared to the way that other people do. The holidays have never been a cheerful time in my life, I think the only reason I enjoyed them is because it meant time off of school. This year is particularly hard because it brings up a lot of tough stuff.
I think that it’s easy for people to forget that while this might be the “most wonderful time of the year” for them, it’s really bad for other people. There are so many things that can play into that but having bad changes happen in your life and then seeing so much happiness everywhere else is incredibly draining. I would like to feel that joy too but unfortunately it’s just never been there.
Last year, I was in a really dark place and I had no intention of being here by this time this year. It’s very difficult to admit that I’m still here and I’m very much floundering in having to admit that I actually have to plan for a future.
Posting on this blog right now is going to be coming a lot more intermittently than I was planning on. I’m hoping to get up at least a post a week but school is a lot more time consuming than I expected it to be… As is work. I feel so stuck but I need to keep up with work and my bills so that I can try and move by next winter.
On a more positive note, last year I had put a lot of time and effort into opening a handmade business on Etsy. It was my heart and soul and while it’s still up, sales have been few and far between thanks to their (stupid) new policies. I’ve been tempted to open up a Shopify account under a new shop name and maybe try my hand at a few markets next summer (if I can manage to make any inventory). I picked up a crochet hook for the first time in months this weekend and I almost cried because it feels so good to make again. Being creative makes me so happy and I think I’ve spent too long trying to force myself to try and figure out other ways to be happy. I’m working on making presents for my family for Christmas and I’ve started to look into local farmers markets to try to apply for for next summer.
Hopefully I’ll be back to myself (or some version of myself that I think I should be) soon and in a better headspace than I’m in right now. It’s snowing outside right now and I’m quite sad at the fact that I’ve seen multiple countdowns to Christmas on Twitter this weekend. I really hope that being productive will help me forget about the bad times that are November and December.
I’ll talk to you guys soon with a review for Bunny by Mona Awad 🙂