So I know that I said a while back that I really didn’t want to talk about my mental health on here anymore but I need to talk about the struggles right now. I was having a really hard time coming up with an idea for a blog post today and I just realized that I am so overwhelmingly stressed out right now that I might as well make one of my “feelings” posts.
Right now, I am sitting in my bed with a pounding headache and trying really hard not to cry. I’m super nauseous and ready to crawl into a hole and completely give up.
It’s almost my favorite time of year, so why the horrible stress? Well thanks to my good ole PTSD, I can’t enjoy fall without being constantly stricken by trauma induced stress! Wow, isn’t mental health fun?? /s
I’m realizing now just how traumatic the beginning of the school year has become for me. August-October holds a lot of really bad memories for me and it’s hard to get through a whole day without ending up a complete mess because something triggered me.
Recently I’ve been learning just how badly smells can trigger things. But that’s a topic for a different breakdown…
I had a bunch of assignments due last night (I swear prewriting posts gets so weird because at the time of writing this as mentioned above I was sitting in bed finishing assignments but at the time of posting this I’ll be well into my shift at work) and I just got so overwhelmed that I had to completely bullshit my way through proposing research topics. It’s honestly one of the worst feelings ever right now to realize that I could end up failing this class already because it’s not what I expected it was going to be and unfortunately, it’s required for my degree so I can’t just drop it. My expectations are going down the drain because I’m not interested in the assignments, the idea of doing the work makes me ill, and I already want to drop out again.
I’m so far past burnt out that I think I’m going crazy. I won’t bore you with more of the symptoms that I’m dealing with in regards to my mental illnesses but let me just tell you, they’re not pretty.
And so with that I am going to go try and sleep to get rid of this pounding headache because I know that’s the only thing that will help.
And I will pretend to try and be positive and list five things that I am thankful for right now:
- Makeup that stays on even when I spend all day crying
- Cool breezes
- Taylor Swift
- The morning show that I listen to on the radio every day
Also if you’ve made it to the end of this post, genuinely thank you for reading my manic breakdown panic. Normally if I go to write a post like this, I type it all out and then immediately delete it. I’m kind of at a point where I’ve been told by everyone to just suck it up and deal with what I’m dealing with because no one wants to hear it? So that’s what I try to do… But it’s really hard to keep everything bottled up and not talk about things. I mean it would probably help if I actually had people to talk to. Yay for having no friends anymore. Anyways, hope you all enjoy your days. TTYL.