College or Bust!

When I started this blog back in 2015 I had just graduated from high school that spring and was about a month away from starting college. I was looking forward to going to school, I’ve always liked school at least a little bit but my opinions of it had definitely gone downhill the longer I was in high school. Part of that, though, was definitely the fact that I decided to take five AP classes my senior year which essentially destroyed any kind feelings that I had towards school.

Growing up I never really had a clear idea of what I wanted to do with my life. My future career prospects came in and out of my life faster than I ever realized, nothing ever sticking as the end all be all career path. No one in my family ever pushed me to apply to college (or anyone that mattered at least) but I always felt like that was the only choice that I had. Doesn’t help that I went to a high school that boasted of high college attendance from graduates. There was just a lot of pressure that I was putting on myself to move on and get a degree even though I really had no idea what I wanted to do.

The more I grew up, the more I found myself surrounded by people who had clear ideas about what they were passionate about. There were the kids who dreamed about engineering classes, the ones who couldn’t wait to get into the healthcare fields, some who delighted themselves in talking about teaching or art or politics. I found myself jealous on more than one occasion because for once I just wanted to be like my classmates and find something that truly made me feel passionate.

My list of failed ideas for careers:

  1. Teacher: I have never learned how to explain things to people other than the way that I have learned. So I would never be able to come up with alternative ways to teach kids if they don’t understand what I’m trying to tell them.
  2. Youth Ministry: The big questions about life still scare the shit out of me and I know I wouldn’t be able to help guide kids in learning about the big questions.
  3. Artist/Graphic Designer: Been told too many times that I would never make a living with this… And art classes ruined my creativity.
  4. Author: Never been able to finish writing a book.
  5. Lawyer: Cool idea, but no.
  6. Actor: I got anxiety. Kind of ruined that dream.
  7. Scientist: I mean I excelled in high school regular chemistry and I thought that maybe, just maybe I could go into chemistry in college. And then I took AP chem and threw that idea off a cliff.
  8. ASL interpreter: Of all the things that I wish I wouldn’t have given up on, learning ASL is the one thing that I beat myself up on the most. My high school ASL teacher used to tell me all the time that I should look into going into interpreting and for a good year and a half that was my plan. But I always got anxious when I signed and was scared that if I tried to make a career out of it that I would constantly make mistakes and I knew that me making mistakes would do more harm than good. And then in college I had a professor that basically told me that I was no good at signing and was really, really hard on me in classes because I had leveled out of the first year of basic classes. I felt so incredibly discouraged that even though I only had a few credits left in order to get an ASL/Deaf Studies minor I dropped it as soon as I was done with her classes.

My anxiety has ruined a lot of my future potential for me. But a lot of other things have played into it as well.

In 2017, I decided that it was in my best interest to withdraw from school. I not only was very confused with what I was doing with myself but my former university handled a personal situation of mine incredibly poorly and I found myself feeling unsafe and unhappy in many ways.

I am finally able to apply for new schools and even though I’m still at a place where I have truly no clear idea with what I want to do with my life I’m ready to get back into the academic swing of things. I actually miss homework y’all… How sad is that (jk, I actually find this really funny).

In thinking about future careers, it would be really cool to work in publishing. I’d love to design book covers someday. I would also love to work behind the scenes in a museum, I’m not sure as a curator but I’m sure there’s some role that would fit what I’m interested in. Another thing that really interests me is blogging and small business ownership. I like the idea of being employed by myself. However, I’m not sure if either of these will be more than just side hobbies. But I think I’d be okay with these being side hobbies/hustles if I was more comfortable and content with what I am doing as an actual full time job.

I should probably say that the point of this post is saying that I am reapplying for schools to start classes in the fall! Hence the title: College or Bust! It’s a lot more nerve wracking than I expected it to be but I also have spent a good two years trying to convince myself that I would be okay if I was never allowed to attend college again. It’s really weird being at this stage again, researching schools and spending so much time on applications. When I first applied for colleges I applied to two schools and got into both. I’m not sure how many I’ll apply to this time around but so far I have one application in and I’m working on sending out my transcripts to that school.

When I first started school I was 19, naive and scared out of my mind. This time I’ll be 23, a lot less naive and still a whole lot of scared out of my mind. But I will say though that I am excited beyond belief to finally be taking charge of my academic future again.

I’ll continue to update and make college related posts as time goes on. And even though I will forever drag myself down for withdrawing from school, even though I will always consider myself a failure for choosing a different timeline know that if you are in the same boat that I am being a mean ass bully to myself. Everyone does things at different paces. Everyone can change their mind and choose to do whatever they want to do. There might not ever be a time where you feel like you’ve truly figured everything out and honestly that’s fine.

So here’s to weird life timelines. And for second chances and starting fresh. Here’s to college round two.

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