I have depression.
I mean that’s kind of obvious from the title, probably anyways.
So yeah, I have depression. I’ve had it for most of my life, but I only started seeking treatment for it within the last year.
Over the summer I was at a pretty high point. My anxiety was controlled for the first time ever and I felt like I was finally living life. I did have low points, that’s for sure, but for the most part my life was one giant high point in my depression.
That’s me, last summer, I was so incredibly happy with who I was, I felt good! I was gaining confidence, I was working to become the person I wanted to be…
Then the school year started and I fell into a depressive episode that has barely lifted since September. And let me tell you, depression SUCKS. For almost the entirety of fall semester I did nothing but go to class and work and I barely did any homework. Thanks to the fact that I took such bad care of myself and stopped taking my anxiety medication my anxiety came back and I feel like that’s the ONLY reason that I passed my classes this semester.
I got sucked into this mindset that I wasn’t depressed enough to be depressed. When I say I passed my classes I mean I got straight A’s (minus one B). I missed two work shifts all semester, once for being sick and once for a final. I went to most of my classes, though I did skip some, compared to missing only one class at all last year this was not normal for me.
I’ve never gotten this low with my depression before and I hate it. I hate who I’ve become and it’s hard to look at myself and compare who I was just a few months ago to who I am now.
I want to get better and I’m trying. But the thing about depression is that sometimes it just sucks you down and it won’t let go. I have days here and there where my brain isn’t fuzzy, where I’m not irritable and hostile, where I find myself smiling genuinely and I truly feel like I’ve finally reached the other end of this chasm that I’ve fallen into. But I barely go four days at a time where I feel like this.
I’ve never spilled this much of my mind on a public platform. I’m not that type of person. I’ve never admitted publicly that I am depressed. That I have so many problems with myself; my mental health and my body. I am not a happy person right now. I’m lost and I’m suffering. I want to change, I really do. So here’s to 2017: I hope I can change.
PS: I am starting a new category on my blog, titled Year of You. I’m going to use this as a way to track my progress mentally and physically as I work through a lot of stuff in this upcoming year.